Well the Cold War is finally over.
What’s that you say? The Cold War has been over (according to Wikipedia) since 1991? No, comrade, no. It has raged like the winters in St. Petersburg (Russia, not the tourist trap), it has been turbulent like going on a bender with vodka (the non-potato kind) and orange juice (the orange kind), it has been barely perceptible like the career of Yakov Smirnoff. It has been all of these things and the capper is: I won.
Yes, that’s right, I won the Cold War.
When I first moved to our fair city, there was a video store right down the road, really close to my apartment. It was filled with a bunch of video tapes of movies long-since out of print. Most stores were getting rid of their videos in favor of DVDs but time had forgotten this little nugget. So when I picked up a bunch of crappy videos to entertain myself, I met the Russian family that owned it. They were nice enough, a little stiff in that eastern European way, but here was the thing: they were still charging $4 per video. This was the year 2000, mind you, and although we weren’t driving around in flying cars or using Buck Roger’s style ‘credits’ to pay for things, these Russians must have thought that VHS tapes had gone retro already, but no, Tovarich, no, they had not. And most places were renting for $1-2 for old movies anyway.
So I put some back. But I like the small business man so I rented a couple and went on my merry way.
Well, when I went to return them, I was caught unawares that they were only ONE DAY RENTALS. Lackluster Video® down the street was charging $2.50 for 3 days but Glasnost Video® was charging $4 for old movies for one day, so mine were two days late. Well, no biggie, thought I, I’ll just pay the charges. However, Ivan Koloff, the Russian Bear, told me that they don’t charge your normal $1-ish late fee, no sir, they charge an additional $4 a day. Using their communistic methods, you didn’t pay until you
returned the movies (should have known something was up then), leaving me owing $24 for Brain Candy and Shocker. Well, needless to same I was not a happy camper. They were cool enough to say that I could keep renting there as long as I eventually paid off the balance. And logic like that, my friend, is why they had to wait in line for bread.
I did rent there a couple of more times, paying what was owed on my immediate movie (4 effing dollars) but never touching that other amount (24 large). And when they charged me a late fee for a movie that I brought back at 8 o’clock (“Change in policy. All movie due back at 6 o’clock.”), well the Cold War was on. No more patronage from me, comrade.
For years I drove by that place. Eventually they had a banner that said “5 Movies for $5”. Too late, Ursa Major and Crimson Dynamo, too late. I watched their business go from two spaces down to one. I watched them have sales. Heck, a couple of times they sent us cards asking to come back, from Russia with Love. But no. No dice. You blew it. Now I break YOU!
So last week, I drove by and they were out of business. Score one for American Ingenuity. Or stubbornness. Or cheapness. Whoever you score it for, put me on their side and put the Soviet Super Soldiers on the other.
But, like the Scorpions and Gorky Park, I kind of miss them a little. I guess because I don’t have an enemy any longer. In that spirit, I recount one of my favorite stories from their store:
One day, coming home from work after leaving early (sick), I stopped in Glasnost Video® to pick up a feel better flick. In the back of the store was a door, and behind this door (that I called the Iron Curtain) was porn. Good old American porn. Or I assumed it was American. I never went back there, actually. It creeped me out. Anyway, this guy comes in and he has rented a movie from the Iron Curtain section and said movie apparently wasn’t up to snuff (snuff film? I dunno) and so he brings it in to complain to the Kremlin. Well, Father Kremlin decides to put it in the VCR and check it himself. Now in Communistic fashion, the VCR plays for everyone in the store so murky blasting porn goes out over the store monitors. And they watch it. FOR A WHILE. WITH PEOPLE IN THE STORE. Are you kidding me????? No. And Father Kremlin is like, “Well, you need to adjust tracking. Tracking make picture come clear.” And the dude left. No refund. That Russian dude had been through harsh winters, oppression, and Dolph Lundgren movies. Someone doing it in the stinky on a bunch of TVs was nothing to that dude. And for that, you had to respect him.
So I bid you adieu, Glasnost Video, and I hope we can be friends again one day and dance together when Lackluster goes out of business too.
GLASNOST VIDEO
1991?-May 2008
What’s that you say? The Cold War has been over (according to Wikipedia) since 1991? No, comrade, no. It has raged like the winters in St. Petersburg (Russia, not the tourist trap), it has been turbulent like going on a bender with vodka (the non-potato kind) and orange juice (the orange kind), it has been barely perceptible like the career of Yakov Smirnoff. It has been all of these things and the capper is: I won.
Yes, that’s right, I won the Cold War.
When I first moved to our fair city, there was a video store right down the road, really close to my apartment. It was filled with a bunch of video tapes of movies long-since out of print. Most stores were getting rid of their videos in favor of DVDs but time had forgotten this little nugget. So when I picked up a bunch of crappy videos to entertain myself, I met the Russian family that owned it. They were nice enough, a little stiff in that eastern European way, but here was the thing: they were still charging $4 per video. This was the year 2000, mind you, and although we weren’t driving around in flying cars or using Buck Roger’s style ‘credits’ to pay for things, these Russians must have thought that VHS tapes had gone retro already, but no, Tovarich, no, they had not. And most places were renting for $1-2 for old movies anyway.
So I put some back. But I like the small business man so I rented a couple and went on my merry way.
Well, when I went to return them, I was caught unawares that they were only ONE DAY RENTALS. Lackluster Video® down the street was charging $2.50 for 3 days but Glasnost Video® was charging $4 for old movies for one day, so mine were two days late. Well, no biggie, thought I, I’ll just pay the charges. However, Ivan Koloff, the Russian Bear, told me that they don’t charge your normal $1-ish late fee, no sir, they charge an additional $4 a day. Using their communistic methods, you didn’t pay until you
returned the movies (should have known something was up then), leaving me owing $24 for Brain Candy and Shocker. Well, needless to same I was not a happy camper. They were cool enough to say that I could keep renting there as long as I eventually paid off the balance. And logic like that, my friend, is why they had to wait in line for bread.I did rent there a couple of more times, paying what was owed on my immediate movie (4 effing dollars) but never touching that other amount (24 large). And when they charged me a late fee for a movie that I brought back at 8 o’clock (“Change in policy. All movie due back at 6 o’clock.”), well the Cold War was on. No more patronage from me, comrade.
For years I drove by that place. Eventually they had a banner that said “5 Movies for $5”. Too late, Ursa Major and Crimson Dynamo, too late. I watched their business go from two spaces down to one. I watched them have sales. Heck, a couple of times they sent us cards asking to come back, from Russia with Love. But no. No dice. You blew it. Now I break YOU!
So last week, I drove by and they were out of business. Score one for American Ingenuity. Or stubbornness. Or cheapness. Whoever you score it for, put me on their side and put the Soviet Super Soldiers on the other.
But, like the Scorpions and Gorky Park, I kind of miss them a little. I guess because I don’t have an enemy any longer. In that spirit, I recount one of my favorite stories from their store:
One day, coming home from work after leaving early (sick), I stopped in Glasnost Video® to pick up a feel better flick. In the back of the store was a door, and behind this door (that I called the Iron Curtain) was porn. Good old American porn. Or I assumed it was American. I never went back there, actually. It creeped me out. Anyway, this guy comes in and he has rented a movie from the Iron Curtain section and said movie apparently wasn’t up to snuff (snuff film? I dunno) and so he brings it in to complain to the Kremlin. Well, Father Kremlin decides to put it in the VCR and check it himself. Now in Communistic fashion, the VCR plays for everyone in the store so murky blasting porn goes out over the store monitors. And they watch it. FOR A WHILE. WITH PEOPLE IN THE STORE. Are you kidding me????? No. And Father Kremlin is like, “Well, you need to adjust tracking. Tracking make picture come clear.” And the dude left. No refund. That Russian dude had been through harsh winters, oppression, and Dolph Lundgren movies. Someone doing it in the stinky on a bunch of TVs was nothing to that dude. And for that, you had to respect him.
So I bid you adieu, Glasnost Video, and I hope we can be friends again one day and dance together when Lackluster goes out of business too.
GLASNOST VIDEO
1991?-May 2008
3 comments:
That was funny. You'll have to tell me where this place was sometime.
I, too, am a sucker for hole-in-the-wall video stores.
Their problem was that there was too many people, making too many problems, and not enough love to go around.
Thanks Matt. You put it right, you weren't just making promises. You made it a place worth fighting for.
Yes, that's right, I made a bad Genesis joke and I'm proud of it. I just wish I could've added the cool freaky puppets.
What if you find out that the amount that finally did them in was a measly $24?
I'm almost positive that my $24 had probably ballooned up to $60 or $70, assuming they charged extra fees.
Gray, I'll definitely point it out to you sometime. The sad thing was that it wasn't even cool old movies like VideoDrome has. They were sad old movies like Son-in-Law and Operation Dumbo drop. Yeuch.
Post a Comment