What's been up?

So what’s been up? Well, the obvious answer is: I’ve been busy.

-I finished the play about racing. You know, the play itself was so-so. The cast was pretty freaking fantastic, talent-wise. So a mediocre script was propped up by 9 good actors, in my opinion. And it was fun. I laughed a lot. I played cards a lot. But for the most part, I sat around in the back of the theatre reading. Paid to read. I think maybe I’ve been going about this acting thing wrong all these years. Instead of shooting for the longwinded/ look-at-me parts, I should have been shooting for the parts where the guy comes on stage, drops off a glass of wine to the main characters and then leaves. Then they sit in the back for two hours. That’s the life.

-I put in my notice at work. Yep, I’m getting out of the office world in favor of doing theatre as my regular gig. Now, truth be told, my new gig is educational theatre, which in the artistic world is probably just above being a mime or doing a Six Flags stunt show. But you know what? I’ve been in a crappy cubicle for the last 10 years. So talking to broccoli about how many nutrients it has can’t be any worse than what I’ve been doing. I’m nervous and excited and am hoping for the best. There are a couple of things I’d probably change if I had my druthers but hey, nothing is perfect. So new material for Hayder may be harder to come by.

-Directing a show. That’s a nice change of pace. I think I’d be more nervous about it if I had had time to be nervous. But I didn’t. I pretty much leapt into it after the racing show. When I was a kid, my pal Charlie had all the coolest toys. GI JOE. Transformers. He-Man. That giant Godzilla and the Shogun Warriors. And a swimming pool. All the stuff I didn’t have. Anyway, that’s what directing these guys is like. I’m getting to play with all their toys. All the toys I don’t have. It’s fun when you look at it like that. But I’m trying to be conscious of letting them play with their toys too. And, if I were being honest with myself, I’d tell you I’m not an optimist. But I’m very optimistic about this show. I think you’ll like it. It’s called Fingertips and it starts at Dad’s Garage on July 10th.

-Won an award for Mojo the other night. That was cool. It seemed kind of unfair because everyone in that show was so good and the set was so good and the costumes and lighting were soooo freaking good. So it was pretty easy to come in and just do the thing. But it’s nice to be recognized. Nice to sit around with friends and drink. I’ve had a nice 3 year run for getting the best actor award for shows at Dad’s. I think next year I won’t be so lucky because I have nothing on the horizon with them, acting-wise. But this looks like it will be a good year anyway. Lots of good stuff in the works.

What about you? How are you?
Xo,
mmyers

Bachelor Party

It's been awhile but daddy still loves you.
mmyers

Lord I love this

And that boxer is Paulie Malinaggi, The Magic Man. If you remember me telling a story about a guy who got a hair weave before he fought and they ended up cutting it during the fight, that's him!

A Hellish, hellish audition

Well, I think the opportunity has been missed so I think I’m safe to talk about this now.

I auditioned for Second City on Wednesday. I didn’t get a callback and that’s OK. However, and this is the way I’m trying to look at things these days, it was a hilarious experience.

I think they just opened the doors and let whoever wanted to audition in. I think that’s how things are marketed now: interest will be drummed up by letting a bunch of people audition and let all those people create buzz based on their own excitement. And ineptitude.

Anywho, I loved this audition. It wasn’t a good one for me, per se, but it was a great character study.

First, you walk into the main room and there’s a bunch of folks standing around, waiting to go in. There’s the normal posturing and nervousness. I’m fine with that. That’s pretty much any audition for anything. Then they call you into the room. It’s like a dance rehearsal room, mirrors on the wall, no windows, and a table with Second City folks and Alliance people. They politely nod while they sift through headshots and resumes and try to match you with your shot. I should add that the invitation into the room involved the intern standing at the door with it open and standing there looking at everyone like they’re assholes, which we kind of were. Anyway, him giving us attitude for not knowing that standing at the door meant we’re supposed to come in set the tone. We were not welcome. They were tired and tired of looking at people.

So we go in (3 guys, 3 girls) and we do a couple of quick warm-ups. Zip-zap-zop. Connecting with your scene partners by saying ‘hello’ and other phrases, really basic stuff. But some of the folks were already thrown by this. Bad sign number 2.

Then we have to line up and say one thing about ourselves. And bytheway, it can’t be related to theatre or performance. One lady said she was also a singer and song writer and writer. Um, OK, that’s sort of not related. The girl beside me said that her cat was just killed by her neighbor’s dog. She also added that she ‘didn’t have anything else about herself that wasn’t related to theatre.’ This is sad on many levels. One, her cat died. That sucks. I loves the animals and feel great empathy for them. Two, she had NOTHING in her life besides that cat that wasn’t related to theatre! That dog single-handedly removed her anchor to the outside world. She’s now spiralling into a theatrical oblivion with no connection to the rest of the world. Like The Flash when he was lost in time. Please, girl, find a hobby or a love interest or a TV show or a person in prison to become pen-pals with. Because theatre and performance are cool but you can’t show a life on stage if you have no life that doesn’t involve the stage. Get it?

Next we did short scenes. I should let you know, I’m not awesome at improv. I’m passable. I can be in a scene with a good person and do allright. I can be in a scene with a bad person and keep my head above water or sink horribly. That’s about it. I’m a B- improviser who probably didn’t deserve to be there. So first off they say two person short scenes. This means no involvement from a third or fourth person. So in the first scene, one lady immediately joins the scene, thus making it a three person scene. Bad omen numero 3. I liked this choice because I got to watch the people at the table makes faces. They were hilariously shocked. I’d be willing to bet they saw a graphic battle of bad improve that whole week, but I’d like to think we were a little better than the worst.

For my VERY FIRST SCENE, I got paired with the singer-song writer-writer. I decided to drink a cup of imaginary coffee. I make a slurpy noise to show I’m drinking. I hold my fingers in a way one holds a mug handle. I’m not Marcel Marceau but I get by. Anyway, she walks up, points at my hand and says, ‘what’s that?’ Now we’re experiencing a Pandora’s Box of bad omens. And so it went. She asked me what I was doing and what I was looking at until the scene mercifully ended. Singer? Maybe. Song-writer? Possibly. Writer? Doubtfully. Improviser? Unquestionably not. One of her scenes, she asked the dead cat girl to give her report on Barrack Obama and proceeded t just ask her questions about Barrack. Woo, that’s some good-bad improv.

Let’s just say the rest of the audition went about the same. One woman opened the scene by
yelling at me, “NO! NO! NO! NO!” and pretty much kept that motif through the rest of the scene. I hadn’t even done anything but hold a mimed gun (when I’m scared, I start scenes with mimed items, and these people scared me to no end). I don’t even think she saw the mimed gun. She just started screaming at me. And one point, she took the mime gun then gave it back to me and screamed No! Oh yeah, and one scene she just wanted to dance. I tried to start a convo with her but she just wanted to dance. So we danced.

There were two guys in my group who knew each other. They had chemistry and experience together. I didn’t share that chemistry with them but I thought they did pretty well together. My last scene was with one of them but he and I couldn’t get on the same page. We were supposed to be backstage at an opera house. When I saw him, I got excited and asked for his autograph to which he said, “Why, because I’m the guy who designed this building?” He might have felt pimped because I tried to make him into an opera singer and he didn’t want to do that. I dunno. Things had pretty much tanked for me anyway.

Still, a couple of ladies I know made it to callbacks, and that’s cool. And my friend Jo-Jo reminded me that it’s cool to audition for Second City if nothing else. And now I have this keen story about being stuck in the third level of Dante’s Inferno, which is being stuck in a room with no windows and watching bad improv and being forced to perform it.

Site gag

xo,

mmyers

New Year's Resolutions- Late edition

With April almost gone and May right around the corner, I can see a clear pattern emerging for the year. I didn’t make New Year’s resolutions this year due to how depressing how I accomplished none of the previous year’s resos. With this in mind, I think of New Year’s resolutions I should have made for this year and how on track I would be to accomplish them.

-Smirk more. I find myself smirking a lot. I blame Harrison Ford in BladeRunner’s special edition that I just picked up. Nobody looks more satisfied after a good smirk than Harry Ford. Plus I’ve had a lot of smirk-worthy moments over the last few months. I may have to switch sides that I smirk on so the right side of my face doesn’t get too built up.

-Eat more unsatisfying foods. I can’t seem to win with my comfort foods lately, and believe me, my comfort foods aren’t really that special. KFC and Pizza Hut top the list and both of them have just been terrible. What gives??? Usually fast food gives me a weird sense of shame, but now it’s giving shame and disappointment. Colonel and um, whatever Pizza hut’s guy is, get back in the game! I need comfort food and a bit of shame and you’re falling short.

-Have more mysterious ailments. I can’t seem to turn my head lately without pulling a muscle in my head, neck or back. Suddenly, I’m fragile.

-Almost get hit by lightening. Was 20 feet away from a telephone pole that got hit yesterday. It was like that scene from The Natural. And it scared the shit out of me. And it made my left arm feel tingly.

-Grow a crazy beard. Usually before my beard can get too crazy, someone tells me to cut it. However, no one is telling me to cut it so I’m growing a crazy beard. I wanted to get a haircut (and have the theatre pay for it) so I’ve just let my hair go and my beard go, but so far, everyone seems fine with it. Is it only a matter of time before the wilderness calls me? Is it only a matter of time before I start sleeping with bears? Um, I mean the animal, not burly gay men.

-Watch an ironically depressing movie. Done. Mission accomplished. Superheroes: We work for tips. Anyone catch that one? It’s about people in Hollywood who want to be famous so they dress up as superheroes in front of Man’s Chinese Theatre and take pictures with people. I guess it was supposed to be very nudge-nudge, wink-wink, but instead it just struck me as incredibly sad. The folks in it have the “I want to be famous at ANY cost” bug (that weird spacey creepiness of reality show people) and are slightly (or more than slightly) delusional about it. The positives I got out of it were my love for the crazy Batman guy who has more holes and gaps in his life than Crisis on Infinite Earths and also that now, when I see a camera somewhere, I act like I’m going to ‘get discovered’, even if it’s a camera at the bank or someone taking a picture of a building.

-Lose all respect for the Miss America contest. Not that I ever respected it, really. And not that that blonde haired box of rock’s comments on gay marriage did it either. It was the fact that that waste of space Perez Hilton was one of the judges. How exactly is he qualified for that? What has he ever done but leach onto famous people? I’d have more respect for him if he dressed up as a superhero in Hollywood.

-Learn to love Battlestar Gallactica and Heroes. Got the first seasons of both of those. Battlestar, after years of people telling me I’d love it, and so I do. A cool balance of real and fantasy. As for Heroes (another show people have told me to watch for years now), well, I’m trying. It’s not quite clicking but I’m only two episodes in, and I’m guessing it’s one of those shows that takes a bit to find its legs.

-Write more, sleep less. For better or worse, this would have been a great resolution. I always seem to write a lot when I’m tired. And there seems to be no shortage of stuff I need to write. On the upside, my play Spoon got picked up and will be performed in 2010, so that’s a good thing.

Hayder- Wasted Time

xo,

mmyers

April Fool's Day 2

This is dedicated to my coworkers, who are very serious about their April Fool's pranks.
mmyers

April Fool's Day

Happy A-Day.

mmyers

You CAN go home again, you'll just need a map

Had to go to a funeral this weekend. Never a comfortable thing. Oddly, the funeral was in my old stomping grounds of Warner Robins, where I lived the first 8 or so years of my life. A couple of funny observations:

-I still remember my way around the town. We got lost. I took a wrong turn. It was at night so most of the places were closed. My wife spotted a closed store and said, “Roses. I wonder what that place is.” Well it turns out I knew exactly what Roses was. I used to get Star Wars action figures there when I was a kid. And it was still there. I said, “If there’s a Krispy Kreme up here on the right and a movie theatre on the left, we’re in Macon and need to turn around.” Turns out they were still there and we were in Macon. Not bad for not having been in that area in 25 years or so.

-Byron, which is the area I spent the majority of my time, looked completely different on the outside but was exactly the same on the inside. Something is off about that area. I mean that in a great way. That area is off like I’m off. I stopped by a Target to get some sinus meds and everyone in that place was not quite right. This culminated into this obese young boy with thick glasses walking up to me and saying, “Hello, sir” and that was it. These are my people. My weird, the hills have eyes-like people.

-I got lost several times while I was there. I brought no instructions other than some hastily scribbled stuff on the back of a daily calendar page. So stuck in the middle of nowhere (central Georgia is sort of a geographical anomaly like that, in that you’re always in the middle of nowhere) and unable to find a gas station to ask directions, I saw a little bar called “Friends” with nothing else around it. It was packed. I told my wife to stay in the car and lock the doors and wait while I went inside. This incident echoed a similar time in Ireland where we got lost and I stopped at a bar for directions.

Anywho, I went to the bar and asked the bartender for directions back to the interstate. She said, “It’s too loud in here,” because it was karaoke night, “let’s go outside and I’ll tell you.” Now I thought the bar was one of those ones where the bar area is lower than the seats around the bar. So I waited for her to step up from behind the bar but she never did. She was exactly that height. Probably about four feet tall. And dressed as a catholic school girl. Reminded me of the Britney Spear’s “Hit me baby one more time” video if the vertical hold on your TV was screwed up. Anyway, she got me back on the interstate. For a tiny person, she was very pretty.

-While driving through Macon, I drove past a bar called 8 Ballerz. 8 Ballerz featured airbrushed pictures of Eazy-E, Snoop Dogg and Too Short out in front of it. It was pretty shocking. All I could manage to think was “Why Too Short?”

-Ritz soda. I’ve never seen it anywhere else but Byron. I used to drink a Ritz soda (they come in all sorts of flavors) that was Pina Colada all the time. It had little floaty bits of coconut (maybe) in it. It was SUPER sweet. Anyway, stopped off at a convenience store (I’ll tell you a story about that store next) and they still carried it! I couldn’t bring myself to have one again, though. It is a creepy looking drink, all murky with bits floating in it.

-Stopped off at the last convenience store I went to when I lived in Warner Robins (which sold Pina Colada soda). I was 8 or 9 the last time I was there. All of our stuff loaded into my grandparent’s farm truck, I was very upset to leave Georgia for Florida. My mom said I could get a comic book from this store while we were fueling up with gas. I loved Iron Man so I grabbed the latest issue of it. It was set during Christmas and Tony Stark (alias Iron Man) was a horrible alcoholic and spent the whole issue pretty much staggering around the town. It was DEPRESSING. Iron Man wasn’t even in the damn thing. And that’s what I read on the way to Florida at 9 years old.

Well I checked to see if they still sold comic books but they didn’t. They did sell Big, Black and Beautiful, though. If only my mom had bought me that way back when. What a different trip that might have been for me.

-A shout-out to my mate Daniel who has moved on from this mortal coil. He was my wife’s cousin. A really cool cat; very animated and excited and intense in the best possible way. He loved writing and music and landscaping and movies. I really liked talking to Daniel at AC’s family gatherings. He was just jazzed about everything he was into and was a freaking whirlwind. He always wanted to talk to me about making films and screenplays he was writing. Met a bunch of his friends this weekend and they were all such nice dudes. Very befitting of a guy who had a lot of soul, sometimes a troubled soul, but always a good soul. He loved intensely and was loved intensely. RIP.

Speaker warnings

I just bought new speakers for my computer. They came with instructions and a series of very cryptic warnings. Pictures, I mean. Not understanding what the warnings meant, I wrote the company and now have official explanations for the pictures. In case you buy new speakers and suffer the same confusion, I've included the translations. Word.

You may have to click on it to see it better. More word.

xo,
mmyers

Hayder presents the return of Office Speak

Have a nice weekend,

mmyers

Another tiny Mojo review

Here.

If you look closely, you'll see a quasi-review of our show at the end. I described it as being used as the stick to beat up another show. A big backhanded compliment. But hey, I guess any compliment is a compliment, back-handed or not. Brent, one of the younger guys in the show, said, "Can't someone just give a straight forward compliment in this town?" and Scotty said, "No."

It's the last weekend of this monkey. Come see her if you can. Some good work happening out there. Then a brief respite and I'm back at it again.

xo,
mmyers

15 albums that changed my life

My gal-pal Gayle said to write down my 15 albums that changed my life in ten minutes or less. It really puts the pressure on. Anyway, I did it and then I went back and made a little note about each one.

I should add that my criteria for 'life changing music' is stuff that I heard and blew my mind and made me want to make music. Also, they created a style that others tried to imitate but had difficulty doing it. All of this list isn't hip, but it did shape my music tastes. You should do it too. I'd love to hear it. Onward!

1. Pavement- Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain
Heard this in my friend Jason’s car in high school. I didn’t like it at first because it was ‘so weird’, but then it grew on me. It was so smart and economical with words and sounds.

2. NWA-Straight outta Compton
Living in the taint of Florida, I had never heard songs from this perspective. Catchy and angry. A weird mix. We listened to it everyday after school.

3. Elvis Costello- My aim is true
I went the opposite direction of most folks with Elvis. I knew the singles. Then I bought the reunion album with the Attractions. Then I started getting the back catalogue. This was Elvis at his best. Fiery, young, and with a sharp wit. It all clicked for me. I thought, "Wow, I totally get why people love this guy."

4. They might be Giants- Lincoln
Most friends I had at the time hated TMBG. This album was so weird. They were smart and simple and sometimes funny. This one blew my mind and made me rethink what I expected from songs.

5. Tom Waits- Frank’s Wild Years
I’m dim-witted sometimes. Often times. Tom Waits didn’t click for me for a long time. And then one day he did. My pal George said (when I didn’t like Waits) that he paints a picture then he takes you inside it (I’m paraphrasing a tad). This album did that to me. I was like, “Ohhhh, I get it.” And then everytime I listen to it I get something else.

6. Lemonheads- It’s a shame about Ray
I like happy music. I’m not ashamed. And it spoke to me at a time when I needed speaking to. It said, “Have fun. Life is short. Appreciate the small things.” And so I did. It was also a gateway album. He made drugs sound fun.

7. Ben Folds Five-self-titled
This album made me go out and buy a chord organ. Why? I dunno. Ben didn’t play one, but it did let me know that you can rock with any instrument you choose. And the lyrics were so personal in a hilarious way.

8. Guided by Voices- Alien Lanes
The best albums change your gears. I hadn’t heard much low-fi until this album. In much the same way The Ramones inspired people to start bands, this album showed that there was low-hanging fruit. Of course, when you try to do what they did, you realize how great they were at it.

9. Beatles-White Album
Everyone loves this album and if you don’t, you’re a douche. The End. I grew up on the Beatles cartoon and the ‘love me do’ era, so hearing this was really weird. My mom always sounded like she felt betrayed when the Beatles went psychedelic. It blew my mind.

10. Wilco-Yankee Hotel FoxTrot
I was a decent Wilco fan before this album but became a HUGE fan afterwards. It’s pop, it’s rock, it’s mellow. It’s the deconstruction of music and rebuilding of it. It blew alt-country out of the water and made it seem narrow-minded to me.

11. Descendents- Liveage
I was never a good punk rocker. This was the first album by the Descendents I ever listened to. I loved how funny they were and self-deprecating and sweet. It was the first punk that really spoke to me. It was punk but it was personal.

12. Decemberists- Castaways and Cutouts
I described this album, when I first heard it, as sounding like something you found under the floor boards of an old cabin. It made me miss playing (or trying to play) music. Smart stories and great instrumentation. It was exactly what I was missing that I didn’t know I was missing.

13. Public Enemy- It takes a nation of million to hold us back
I was scared when I first heard this. No shit. I really thought there was going to be some crazy revolution. Very intelligent, thoughtful, and angry in a focused way. It became my measuring stick for intelligent hip-hop. I quoted from it constantly in 9th grade.

14. Simon Joyner- Room Temperature
Caught this guy live back in 1994. It was my first exposure to punk-rock folk music. I wanted to play guitar fiercely after that. Caught him a few more times and completely nerded out on that guy. Come on, he wrote a song about how the world was going to Hell under Reagan-omics and all he wanted to do is play Defender. It spoke to me like nothing else. And it apparently spoke to Bright Eyes as well.

15. Alan Sherman- Hello muddah, hello fadduh
My parents had this on 8-track. I can’t say I understood all of it (and I had no idea what a Jew was) but I knew one thing, he was hilarious. I couldn’t believe my parents listened to things that were funny. We all laughed as a family and I knew I wanted to make people laugh like that. It also exposed me to parody for the first time.

Honorable Mentions: De La Soul's "Three feet high and rising", David Dondero's "Spyder, West Myshgen", The Pixies "Trompe Le Monde", Ice Cube's "The Predator", Frank Black's "Teenager of the Year"

Penis related spam of the day: "Make her talk to her friends about you."

26 Things that show I'm self-absorbed

Hey, there's a mild review in the Sunday Paper for Mojo. Mainly I think we're just the stick used to beat up some of the other shows around Atlanta near the bottom. But whatever. Any publicity is sort of useful publicity.

Oh yeah. Folks have been doing the 25 things around Facebook, so I eventually acquiesced and wrote my own. I may put it up on Facebook even, provided that I can remember to do so. Send me yours too, if you want. I like to read stuff at work and can't get into Facebook there. Ok, here goes.

25 Things about Me

1. I have Synaesthesia. That means I taste shapes. This generally only happens when I’m tired. Very tired. Only once or twice have I ever thought I might choke on the shape in my mouth.

2. I wanted to go into advertising until I found out I probably wouldn’t get to make up stuff until after years of paying dues and fetching coffee.

3. My Dad kidnapped my brother and I when we were kids (otherwise it would have been adult-napped, I suppose) and we lived in Pennsylvania for a while. Of course we were eventually returned to our mom, but we totally ran from the law in a Jeep for a time.

4. I fell in love with theatre while watching The Super Medics wrestle the Wild Samoans in Pensacola, Florida when I was 9 years old. I sort of knew it was fake but then I didn’t have a problem with that. It was theatre at its most awesome.

5. When I was a kid and wanted to go to sleep, I’d often envision I was crushed under a lot of rocks or that I was sleeping on the roof of a moving car. Sometimes thinking about sleeping on the roof of a moving car still makes me go to sleep.

6. The most scared I’ve ever been for a short period of time was nearly driving off the bluffs in Pensacola because the cars brakes went out. I was in a car full of people on acid. It was nuts.

7. The most scared I’ve ever been for a long period of time was getting laid off in 2007. I was out of work for 4 months roughly and I don’t think that feeling of fear has left me since.

8. The angriest I’ve ever been was probably the night my wife got robbed in front of our apartment. The robber guy ran off before I got to her but I swear I would have murdered that guy with my bear hands if I got ahold of him.

9. I’ve had alter egos all my life. These have included: Gibney the Alien, Mr. Ahowdi-do, Flavio De Martini, and Mr. Tai-bo Croco (whose theme song would be sung by Dave Matthews).

10. My brother used to tell me I was retarded and that everyone didn’t want to tell me because they wanted me to feel like other kids. For awhile I totally thought this was true. When I got tested for the Gifted Program (PATS) in 3rd grade I totally freaked out because I thought they were taking me to be in the retarded kids' classes. Subsequently, I did not get into the Gifted Program.

11. I credit my brother’s best friend Ricky Halgen (aka Rockin’ Rick Nugent) with convincing me to be an actor. He said he wanted to be a racecar driver and then one day he showed up at our house with a racecar and then he went and raced it. I thought, “Say something ridiculous then go do it. I didn’t know you could actually do that!”

12. I think the most important characteristic in other people is genuineness. It’s more important to me than talent or humor or what the other person can ‘do’ for me. Even if a person is an asshole, I appreciate them more if they’re a genuine asshole than a fake asshole.

13. The term ‘fake asshole’ makes me think of Will E. Coyote when he paints a fake tunnel and Road Runner is able to go through it but Will E. isn’t.

14. I don’t enjoy children. There are a few rare exceptions.

15. I never, ever thought I’d have a pair of Calvin Klein jeans. I just thought they were too expensive and it was pretentious to own them. Today, I uncomfortably admit I own a pair. They’re pretty beat up, though. Take that, Marky Mark and Cindy Crawford.

16. In college, my professors told me that I’d probably be miserable as an actor and that I should try to continue writing instead (I wrote a lot back then). I balked at that and worked extra hard to be an actor. On sulky days I think they may have been right.

17. One time I called my grandpa up and was bitching about how my life is completely busy all the time and wondered how he (a guy who was in WW2, came home and bought a farm and farmed during the day and worked at a paper mill 40+ hours at night while supporting a wife and 3 kids) did it. And he sighed and said, “You just do it” and said it so I felt like the biggest whiner/cry baby ever. Anyway, on days when I think I may crumble under the pressure I wear one of his hats, generally the beat up brown one. This hat is also known as my ‘bourbon hat.’ However my grandpa doesn’t drink.

18. When I first saw my wife, she was 16 (I think, maybe 17) and I sang “There she goes” by the La’s while I was working in the coffee store. She was breathtaking then and gorgeous now.

19. I’m fairly certain that most of my idols would be assholes if I met them in real life. This has spawned me saying, “Respect the art and not the artist” more times than I can remember.

20. Heaven is: a cabin in the woods with my wife and dogs and a fresh pot of coffee on the pot. Maybe some salmon on the grill.

21. I never wanted another animal after my poodle Muffin died. He was 15 years old and my mom couldn’t bear to put him down so she made make the decision. I promised I’d never have one again. AC showed up with a Rottweiler nine years ago and I’ve had a house full of animals ever since. Now my dogs are my pride and joy.

22. I have few regrets but a growing one is never getting to see the people I love very often.

23. If I had a car just for kicks (and not for any sort of practicality), it’d probably be a late 60’s Nova or a Plymouth Valiant. My brother’s second car was a Valiant and he hated it. I loved that car.

24. I used to LOVE dancing at clubs. I would try to sneak into bars to dance. Sadly I’m too uncomfortable with myself to dance anymore. I’d rather drink or not be there at all.

25. My perfect birthday gift these days would be a nice glass of scotch (on ice) and a good cigar.

The reviews are starting to trickle in...

Here's the one for Creative Loafing. It's not glowing but it's not a destruction. I can live with that.

That being said, gosh I don't like this picture. I have a gigantic non-gay but slightly gay love for all of these dudes, but come on, they're all a lot better looking than this in real life. Well, maybe not Ed. That's a good picture of Ed. But the rest of us? Nah.

Curt does give a nice shoot out to the trailer. That's good.

"She'll be amazed at your giant pecker"

This was today's piece of spam.

xo,

mmyers

Toasty and Mr Creeps

This one came to me in a dream, as comics often do. Of course it was in a stripped down form but I always like the ones that are already there for me.


Hey, I'd like to give a shout out to a mate of mine who passed away this weekend. His name was Jim Royal, although we always referred to him as Jimmy Royale, or after Pulp Fiction, Royale with cheese. Jim was a good bloke and funny as heck. He was a comic book artist, working on Catwoman and StarMan and I think Green Lantern as well. Jim and I were buddies through college and awhile after. We sort of lost touch when I moved here, but I did see him a year or so ago at a show mutual friends of ours were playing at the Earl. Anyway, Jimmy isn't here anymore and the world is a little dimmer knowing that he isn't out there somewhere, bumming drinks and making a scene. Jimmy, I hope you found the peace you were looking for, brother. RIP.

mmyers

Preview for the show I'm in

It runs until the 28th of February at Dad's Garage. Come check it, playa.

Random notes from Leadership class

-The phrase 'well spoken'. No one ever says about a white person that they are "well spoken". I remember a Chris Rock bit where he was saying that white people refer to all educated black people as 'well spoken' but I thought it was a joke. Turns out it was not a joke and some people really do utter that stupid phrase with sincerity.

I'd really like it if someone called me 'well spoken', though. Chances are, however, it ain't gonna happen. Probably because I use the words 'ain't' and 'gonna'.

-If you say, "you like to think outside the box" then you're thinking inside the box. Because 'outside the box' is the new 'inside the box'. It's like, everyone can't say that they're different from everyone else because that in fact makes them just like everyone else. Make sense? Even if it doesn't, note to office folks: please stop using this phrase. It is used at least 4 time severy class.

I, personally, would love to think 'outside the box'. Sadly, the only two places I'm allowed to think at work are (a) in my cubicle and (b) in the bathroom stall. But those are both, you guessed it, 'inside of a box'.


-We discussed a piece of clip art for 10 minutes. No kidding. It was a piece of clip art that was of a man at a microphone and he looked nervous and we all discussed how we would feel if we saw this man getting ready to give a presentation. And people legitimately discussed maybe there was something wrong with him or if he was on mediciation and perhaps we could learn from him if he was. He was a freaking piece of clip art.

It didn't occur to me until just now that I should have said, if I were faced with meeting this clip art man, that I would have a lot questions about how a clipart man came to life. How did I get transported to this Cool World/Roger Rabbit of clipart? Dang that would have been funny. It would have been hard for me to not laugh, though.

-This has nothing to do with anything except that I think it'd be good. When I have to 'punch-out', I'd like to play Mike Tyson's Punch Out in order to do it. That'd make me really look forward to getting off work.

Happy Lunar New Year! Monday wrap-up.

Using my propensity to over-commit myself, I’ve been busy as crap the last few weeks. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t been learning lessons, so this is what I’ve learned over the last few weeks:

-There is no good way to tell other men in the men’s room that they need to get their prostate checked, but fellas, some of you need to. There’s some sad sounding urination going on out there. It doesn’t sound at all fulfilling. My faucet drips more liquid when I’m trying to keep the pipes from freezing. Fellas, you gotta get the finger.

-I’m rehearsing a show where I have a cockney accent. This show is so immersed in my thoughts right now that, at times, I’ve found myself thinking in a cockney accent in my day-to-day life. I’m hoping that once the show opens, my cockney will go flaccid. That’s right. Puns.

- I’ve been taking a bunch of lame personality tests for a management class I’m doing at work. It’s filling up the time as I merge with my desk chair. One thing it has taught me is that I’m a Rational, personality type-wise. I won’t go into all of what that means as it’s only barely interesting to me and I imagine would be even more uninteresting to you. However, the teacher said that Rationals and Idealists make the best mates. Again, so immersed in the cockney show am I that my brain immediately thought of ‘mates’ as the word for ‘friend’. And anyway, who would ever call their significant other their ‘mate’? It sounds so clinical. Animals ‘mate’. The salt shaker’s ‘mate’ is the pepper shaker. Anyway, thinking of human’s being mated or mating makes me think that this class may be being taught by aliens.

-I enjoyed a Souper Meal. That’s right. A Souper Meal. A Souper Meal consists of: Ramen Noodles in a big bucket. That’s about it. I was a little disappointed that something with such an awesome name could be so awesomely disappointing. Where was this Improved Flavor the cup bragged about? Were the mushrooms part of the 'vegetable medley' or merely a serving suggestion.

My mouth was set for a boring old meal until I saw this little baby: The Finishing Touch Flavor Enhancer. Now this little packet of magic has very specific instructions (not unlike the Gremlins did): do NOT apply the Flavor Enhancer until you are ready to eat the meal. After all, it is the Finishing Touch.

I made my noodles. They smelled allright. They were warm. But then I applied the Finishing Touch Flavor Enhancer. Well, let me just say that I was invited into a world of flavor unlike any I’ve ever tasted or seen (that’s right, the flavor was so intense and vivid, I could actually see it floating in the air). Well, I was too curious. What was the secret of this little Flavor Packet? And I did the unthinkable. I saved some. Yep, I practiced restraint.

Yes, I didn’t use the entire Finishing Touch Flavor Packet. I got on my bicycle and rode around with it, sprinkling it in all around. I sprinkled some on Mickey Rourke's career. Check it out. He was back! I sprinkled some on the economy. Poof! Gas prices went down! I sprinkled some on Prop 8 and conservatives admitted that gay people may be humans and have human emotions and feelings (hey, Finishing Flavor Enhancer can only do so much). Well I was sold. This magic dust was a miracle wrapped in love, coated in joy, drenched in sodium.

Well, I was too curious. It was Pandora’s Box, and like Pandora’s Box I had to open it, and like Pandora’s Box I had to take it to one of those clinics where they’ll test anything (usually paternity results) and find out what was in it. I should clarify that Pandora was a stripper I used to hang out with back in the day. That probably will make the Pandora’s Box analogy make a bit more sense. Wait, there was a myth about another Pandora’s Box? I wonder if Pandora the stripper had ever heard of that? Well, they were both filled with evil.

Anywho, they tested the Finishing Touch Flavor Enhancer. I eagerly awaited the results. What could make this ordinary bowl of Ramen into a MEAL? Moreso, a SOUPER MEAL? What could give flavor to the flavorless? What could save the world from itself?

Let the truth be told. The little packet of Finishing Touch Flavor Enhancer is actually filled with…stem cells. What else could it have been? Well, they’re not only making great strides in medical research, they’re also delicious on Ramen. Thank you, Stems.

Just enough time to rip off Will

Hi kittens. I'm a little swamped by life for the moment but I thought this was pretty cool so I'm reposting it from Shark Fin Hat's blog (link is in my links, yo).

The incredible Neko Case has a new album coming out, and you can download the new song "People Got a Lotta Nerve" here:http://www.anti.com/media/download/708

For every blog that re-posts the song, she and Anti- are donating $5 to a the Best Friends animal rescue group. If you do the iLike thing, they'll donate $1 for everyone who iLikes it. If you're the blogging type, please re-post. More info on the group is below, and you can read more about the whole effort here

Jogging my memory

I have two favorite kinds of joggers. I know it’s weird to have favorite types of joggers but I spend a lot of time in my car and I’ve become a connoisseur of people on the side of the road (don’t even get me started on people at the bus-stop). And in the morning, there are joggers. This morning I spotted one of my favorite types.

This type of jogger is the “I just woke up and decided I needed to start jogging right this second!” jogger. These joggers are very popular in the New Year. They flourish in January and tend to be hibernating and watching E! again by February. They also appear at the gym for a brief time. I like them because, unlike people who decide they’re going to get really into something and go out and buy ridiculous shoes and warm-up suits and heart monitors and do some research on running, these folks are out there in jeans and a t-shirt, huffing and puffing in the arch-murdering shoes they walk in everyday. It looks like they’ve come running out of a burning building and then decided to just take it up as a hobby. Also I like them because they have no concept of pacing themselves. They’re going to jog 5 miles on their first day. From completely sedate to running a marathon in the time it takes to get dressed. I think it’s this hardcore approach to jogging/running that explains why their lifespan as a jogger is so short. It’s like watching a star burn out: bright then gone. Poof.

The other favorite jogger I have is the paranoid jogger. The paranoid jogger looks like they’re also running out of a burning building but act like the person who set the fire may be behind them. They’re hot on their trail (pardon the pun). This is what I think their story is: the paranoid jogger always knew that a day would come where they would be involved in a foot race for their life and they’ve trained for that day. They’ve been preparing for a footrace for survival for years. But they’re not so confident as to stop looking backward and in every direction to make sure they’ve got a handy lead. Lot of nervous glances over the shoulder. Or maybe they’re stretching their necks alot. I dunno. It looks like nervous looks, though. But one thing is for sure, the people who are chasing them do not know what they’re in for: a long, boring, exhaust sucking stroll down Cobb Parkway. Also, the paranoid joggers check their watch a lot. It might be one of those things that counts your footsteps, but I prefer to think of them as racing against time because that’s what someone in a movie would do. Not enough movies about people running to stay alive.

For the record, I hate running/jogging. I’ll do an elliptical machine twice a week and that’s only because I can read while I do it. I experience no “runner’s high” or endorphins or anything else ‘running addicts’ speak of. What I do experience is occupying myself with some task (reading trashy books or watching trashy TV) while I do something else (movement) that I don’t pay attention to. Is it satisfying? Not really, but it does give me just enough audacity to make fun of people jogging on the side of the road, and that’s what really matters to me.

Hayder: Accountant joke

Shuffle Poem

Good pal Will posted a thing awhile ago about putting your iPod on shuffle and then writing down the first line of the first 20 songs and making a poem. The 21st song is the title of the poem. Pretty cool, right? Well, I got an iPod finally and I was superjazzed to try this out. Unfortunately, in my zeal, I thought you used the first 12 songs from your playlist (I may be dyslexic). And then I didn’t remember the title thing either. Well, it seemed like my iPod was possessed and came up with this semi-coherent, incomplete, mish-mash. Later on I realized that I my poem was incomplete but when I started it up again, well, some songs repeated and it wasn’t the same. Anywho, here’s my poem, incomplete as it may be.

I really love the RL Burnside Bad Luck City into Harry Nilsson’s Bang, bang, shoot ‘em up.

On the first day of our love
Things are getting just too cozy for me
Jackson Crosses stretch to Heaven
I’m a nothing man
I’m not afraid of anything
It was a beautiful day
The name of the song is Bad Luck City
Bang, bang, shoot ‘em up, destiny
Everybody’s talking about me
Oh, baby, don’t it feel like Heaven right now
Who knows your birthday?
Officer you got me wrong.