VERSUS!!!!

Here’s a little column I like to call Versus, where I take two similar things and lock them in MORTALLLL CCOMMMMBBAAATTTT!

There is no mercy in these battles to the finish. To prove this point, I’ll start by pitting two of my favorite things against each other: me versus me. That’s right, it’s my 2004 headshot versus my 2008 headshot and it’s a heads-up battle between good and evil…or good and good 4 years ago. Maybe it’s just a battle of time itself! Yes! A battle ripping the very fabric of time and the fabric of cotton. Permanent press cotton!

The Surface:
Well, on the surface, the differences are obvious. In 2004, we didn’t have color yet. It wasn’t invented. Baseball games were played in super fast motion and fatty Arbuckle was the king of comedy. The days of yester-year. In 2008, Technicolor reigns. Yes, rain is now in Technicolor, as is everything, as am I. Unfortunately, with this addition of ‘color’, I have become gray and aged, taxed to the max by the coloration process. Also, I wear a coat now. The coloring of the Earth has created another Ice Age, and I am forced to wear a jacket now, a red corduroy jacket to be precise.

As far as what has not changed, well I still hold my hands in front of myself, forming a finger cage around my genitals. It protected my privates in 2004 and it still works today. If I’m out on the street looking contemplative, you know I’ll be forming my finger cage.

Who would Win in a fight?:
AGE: 2004 Me
-Well for obvious reasons, I was 4 years younger so of course 2004 Me would have the advantage. There’s no way I’ve become younger in the last 4 years. Sheesh what a stupid question.

STRENGTH: 2008 Me
-Definitely stronger than I was then. I weigh about 20 pounds more now with 10 pounds of it being exercise strength and 10 of it being combo meal #1 at Krystals and Dr Pepper. Oh, in 2004 I was doing a show where I wanted to be smaller so I probably would have been drained.

SKILL: 2008 Me
-I went through a period of wrestling a lot in 2007, so yeah, I’d totally take 2004 Me with a StoneCold Stunner, yo!!

OPTIMISM: 2004 Me
-2004, I was hitting on all cylinders. Things were really taking off. Little did I know that 2008 would be a dandy kick in the balls. 2007 was no bowl of peaches either. But in 2004, I was hitting my stride.

Financial: 2008 Me
-Oh that’s me allright, but that’s because I’m working a lot more. Good grief, I work a lot. But I have a house now. And two more dogs. Now that's living. And my old dog has to eat special food now. You think I could have afforded that special food in 2004? No way, Jose Conseco.

THE RESULT:
If it’s a battle of strength, it’s 2008 Me, but if 2004 Me zeroed in on 2008’s exhausted/fragile mental state, I think he’d win by TKO as 2008 me would start crying from watching Ric Flair’s retirement speech.

IF THEY MET:
Warnings 2008 Me would give 2004 Me:
-You’re going to lose your job in 2007. It’s a shitty job, but you’ll lose it nonetheless so start planning for that so you can go out on your own terms. Of course the severance will be nice but the subsequent panic after the severance will turn your once bouncy and luxurious brown hair thinner and greyer.

-Don’t collide with Logan at wrestling practice. It’ll give you scar tissue over that eye and just plain suck in the middle of you losing your job.

-Don’t expect Deadwood to end in a way that you’ll be happy with. Enjoy the ride but skip the ending.

-P Diddy’s Vote or Die campaign will have absolutely no bearing on the election.


Things 2004 Me would say if he saw 2008 Me:
-Lay off the fast food, huh? That jacket isn’t hiding the fact that you’ve chubbed up, beardy. Bytheway, you’re kind of starting to look like the dad from Family Ties. Is that what you’re ‘going for’?

-Wow, our hair just keeps getting shorter and shorter, huh? I don’t need a fortune teller to see where this is going.

-Do the Star Wars movies ever get any better? ….oh.
A cartoon spin-off?! That sounds awesome!...oh.


See? Pretty brutal.