Quiche me, quick

I’ve been playing a little experiment at work. You see, in our office refrigerator, folks steal food. It’s usually small things that I guess they think no one will miss but if you’d like to see me pissed off, steal my jell-o cup with fruit in it. That’s like taking the Pissed Off Express, no waiting.

Anywho, once this little ritual was established, I decided to test it abit. What would someone deem worthy of stealing and what would they by-pass. Well, we have a winner in this refrigerator battle royal and it is frozen quiche. Yes, the frozen quiche has been deemed unstealable by the discerning tastes of my office.

For the record, the frozen quiches aren’t bad, you just shouldn’t microwave them. Oven all the way, baby.

I’m fascinated by the quiche, actually, because the box claims that it has a ‘hint of nutmeg’, which is very funny to me because, although I’m sure the implication is supposed to be that someone’s grandma is pinching that nutmeg and throwing it in there, the reality is a machine pinches that nutmeg and throws it in the vat of quiche fixin’s, just like Mom used to.

Well, curiosity overpowering me, I tracked down this machine, the Nut Meg Bot 5000 and got an interview with it because I wanted to know what makes it tick. Here’s the transcript:

MM: Thank you for joining me, NutMeg Bot 5000.
NUTMEG BOT: It is a pleasure to be here with you, mmyers. Greetings to the internet nerds who enjoy your self-indulgent musings. Would your tasting senses enjoy a pinch of nutmeg?
MM: Um, no, that won’t be necessary. So how did you get started in this…business?
NMB: I was created in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Pittsburgh’s dialect is made up of Scottish-Irish, Welsh, German, and a pinch of Central and Eastern European.
MM: Really? I didn’t know that. What about you? What are you made up of?
NMB: 57% steel and aluminum alloys, 22% plastic and metal wires covered in plastic, 15% hydraulic tubing with steel reinforcement, and a pinch of electronics.
MM: I see. OUCH! (at this point in the interview, NutMeg Bot pinches me) What the hell, dude? What the hell???
NMB: Your human skin is not covered in a single article of clothing composed of the color green.
MM: No, dude, I’m not. Good grief, I think you broke the skin.
NMB: It is St. Patrick’s Day. This is the day humans are required to be covered in green adornments. You are not wearing green.
MM: Are you kidding me? It isn’t St Patrick’s Day, you freak!
NMB: Kiss me.
MM: What?! Why?
NMB: I am Irish, therefore it is imperative that you kiss me. Perform this task or I will pinch you again.
MM: Wait, wait, wait, OK, look. You seem to be a little confused on humans and St. Patrick’s day. It is not today. Humans are not REQUIRED to wear green on that day even if it were St Patty’s Day. And you are not Irish.
NMB: Kiss me, human, for I have been programmed to be Irish. See, human? (At this point, NutMeg Bot picked up a mug of green beer and poured it in the direction of where a mouth would be, if it had a mouth. It also slung some at me.) Drink up, human-Irish drinking buddy. Let us become intoxicated and make human females uncomfortable with speculations on what they would look like purged of their human garments.


Everything degenerated from there so I ran away but not before Nut Meg Bot 5000 tore off my pants. Or rather pinched them off.