I never figured myself for the co-dependent type but when my wife is away, I ride a mental rollercoaster. Oddly, I've noticed a lot of people who live with someone else experience these same stages. I think I’ve locked down the stages that we go through when we have the house to ourselves. I’ve chronicled them for your viewing/reading pleasure. It ain’t pretty. You’ve been warned.
Stage 1- “Party!”
This involves me making bratwurst and other smelly foods that would probably make my wife throw-up if she were home. Also, I drink crappy beer. One time I totally gave myself food-poisoning from eating food that was way too old to be eaten. I don't read expiration dates in this phase. This is also known as the “free wheeling bachelor” stage, and sometimes being a free wheeling bachelor means you throw up and wallow in your own filth.
Stage 2- “Quiet”
I’m usually sitting in the dark a lot during this phase, trying to figure out how to entertain myself. This stage involves me watching lots of wrestling, reading comic books, and exercising. As an aside, totally wrenched my back Sunday while exercising. Do you see a trend forming? When she’s gone, I hurt myself accidently a lot.
Stage 3- “Insomnia (also known as the “sitting in my underwear playing video games” phase)”
Pretty much what the title and addendum describes. I can’t sleep. I don’t shower. I play video games. And I sometimes wear overalls with no shirt. I have the urge to do productive things but not the energy to actually perform them.
Stage 4- “Paranoia”
Having someone else in the house, when you hear a noise, you can ask “did you hear that?” and “dial 9-1 (waiting to dial the other 1)while I go check it
out.” When you are by yourself, however, you have to depend on your own senses. I also depend on dogs barking but they bark at EVERYTHING which makes me more paranoid because I think they’re hearing something I cannot, like a chainsaw murderer. Dogs can hear someone trying to crank a chainsaw.
Stage 5- “Dress up the dogs”
This is where things get a little weird. You’ve seen the dogs with their hats on, right? It’s like that, only a little bit worse. This distracts us both from the looming chainsaw murderer. And if the chainsaw murderer breaks in and sees Yoshi in a nurse’s uniform or Penelope with a ukulele, well how could he hack us up?
Stage 1- “Party!”
This involves me making bratwurst and other smelly foods that would probably make my wife throw-up if she were home. Also, I drink crappy beer. One time I totally gave myself food-poisoning from eating food that was way too old to be eaten. I don't read expiration dates in this phase. This is also known as the “free wheeling bachelor” stage, and sometimes being a free wheeling bachelor means you throw up and wallow in your own filth.
Stage 2- “Quiet”
I’m usually sitting in the dark a lot during this phase, trying to figure out how to entertain myself. This stage involves me watching lots of wrestling, reading comic books, and exercising. As an aside, totally wrenched my back Sunday while exercising. Do you see a trend forming? When she’s gone, I hurt myself accidently a lot.
Stage 3- “Insomnia (also known as the “sitting in my underwear playing video games” phase)”Pretty much what the title and addendum describes. I can’t sleep. I don’t shower. I play video games. And I sometimes wear overalls with no shirt. I have the urge to do productive things but not the energy to actually perform them.
Stage 4- “Paranoia”
Having someone else in the house, when you hear a noise, you can ask “did you hear that?” and “dial 9-1 (waiting to dial the other 1)while I go check it
out.” When you are by yourself, however, you have to depend on your own senses. I also depend on dogs barking but they bark at EVERYTHING which makes me more paranoid because I think they’re hearing something I cannot, like a chainsaw murderer. Dogs can hear someone trying to crank a chainsaw.Stage 5- “Dress up the dogs”
This is where things get a little weird. You’ve seen the dogs with their hats on, right? It’s like that, only a little bit worse. This distracts us both from the looming chainsaw murderer. And if the chainsaw murderer breaks in and sees Yoshi in a nurse’s uniform or Penelope with a ukulele, well how could he hack us up?
Stage 6- “I’m going to do everything!!!!”
This is where I decide to get focused and do everything that doesn’t get done while my wife is home. This includes: writing a play, playing guitar, weed-wacking the drive-way, flossing.
Stage 7- “I’m gonna get drunk!”
Stage 6 quickly dissipates and gives way to stage 7. Sometimes this means I’ll call folks to go get drunk with me and sometimes it means I’ll sit at home, get drunk and call people only to annoy them.
Stage 8- The “oh crap, she’ll be home soon, I gotta get this place cleaned up” phase. This is where I realize she’ll be home in a day or so and clean up all the fast food bags, pizza boxes, discarded socks in front of the couch, and wash the dishes. Sometimes I vacuum even. Also I feed the fish finally.
Stage 9- She's back.
She finally comes back and I take a shower and get a good night’s sleep, for once.
2 comments:
phase 8 is like that kids in the hall sketch where dave and kevin party across america because their lady friends are out of the country.
'what day is it?...we'd better clean up the country!'
I am embarassed to say that I'm not familiar with that sketch! I'm...I'm not sure how that's possible.
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