Monday wrap up

-This weekend I was completely worthless, missing a good friend of mine who was in from out of town and also the opportunity to watch some good French horror with other good friends. And whose fault is it? Dracula. Dracula and work. Both are kicking my butt and giving me just enough energy left over to search for gas and toaster my strudels. I’ve had the sinking suspicion I’ve been about to get sick for the last two weeks. So far, I’ve held it at bay but it’s been coming and going. Lots of vitamins and sleep.

-Speaking of Dracula and searching for gas, the two collided this weekend. See, we’re in rehearsals right now and that often means a lot of sitting around. Sitting around for me usually means (once I’ve got my lines memorized) reading comic books and goofing around trying to entertain myself. On Sunday, I was sitting around for an hour or so and started searching the theatre and found face markers for little kids. You can mark your face with them and wash them off (I presumed). Anywho, I gave myself kitty whiskers along with a flower on my forearm and the words “Renf” and “Ield” on my fingers. So when my hour and a half wait was over, I went on to hand Dracula a briefcase. No words, just a briefcase hand off. When he looked at me and smiled I meowed. Ha ha, time passed. Mission accomplished.

After rehearsal I begin my hunt for gas. One of the guys said there’s some on the edge of town so away I went. And there was! And only a minimal line! So I wait and eventually get a spot. Now I was so excited about finding gas that I didn’t pull up as close to the pump as I could have. I was close but no cigar. Unfortunately I was close enough to the car beside me that it would have been a tight squeeze for a car to get by me. A guy pulls up behind me and can’t get by. I wave and mouth “Sorry about that.” He waves back, sticks his head out the window and says, very friendly-like, “No worries, take your time.” I finish, wave, say ‘Thanks’, and with a huge smile waves back.

Now this is pretty rare right now. Everybody is pissed and on edge. Fist fights are happening at the pumps and gas stations with gas are hiring police officers to regulate people and are starting to use people to direct traffic because drivers don’t understand the idea of forming a line and waiting your turn. As I described it yesterday, when a crazy person meets an inconsiderate person, there’s going to be fireworks. But this little interaction went great. I get in my car and drive away.

Halfway down the road I realize I still have my kitty whiskers. Hey, who can get mad at a guy with kitty whiskers?

-Funny quotes recently.
Director gives the instruction to several ladies (Dracula’s disciples, the Vixens) in the cast: “The vixens do it on the ground.” I turn to my pal Steve and say, “Oddly, I have that bumper sticker on my car.”

A couple of minutes later, I kill an attendant, the very same attendant (Steve) who wheels us on and off stage. So he falls down dead and I say to him, “Hmmm….how are we going to get off when you’re dead?” And Steve says, “Oddly that’s what my bumper sticker says.” I know, I have the humor of a frat boy and a 5 year old mixed together but I laughed about it again today and smile everytime I think of it. What a creepy bumper sticker that would be.

-Speaking of comic books, just got finished reading “Fables: 1001 nights of snowfall.” Overall it’s a great book and fills in nicely some of the gaps left by the normal Fables series. But one guy in particularly blew me away: John Bolton. No, not the Republican guy, but rather the artist John Bolton. He has a realistic painted style similar to Alex Ross, but only slightly less hyper-real. He illustrated a story of Snow White and the Prince after that had been together and before they split up. Here’s a pic from it, taken from Mr. Bolton’s website, johnbolton.com.

For Andrew

Managed to catch the birds in my beard out for a stroll.

The 9 stages of my wife being away

I never figured myself for the co-dependent type but when my wife is away, I ride a mental rollercoaster. Oddly, I've noticed a lot of people who live with someone else experience these same stages. I think I’ve locked down the stages that we go through when we have the house to ourselves. I’ve chronicled them for your viewing/reading pleasure. It ain’t pretty. You’ve been warned.

Stage 1- “Party!”
This involves me making bratwurst and other smelly foods that would probably make my wife throw-up if she were home. Also, I drink crappy beer. One time I totally gave myself food-poisoning from eating food that was way too old to be eaten. I don't read expiration dates in this phase. This is also known as the “free wheeling bachelor” stage, and sometimes being a free wheeling bachelor means you throw up and wallow in your own filth.

Stage 2- “Quiet”
I’m usually sitting in the dark a lot during this phase, trying to figure out how to entertain myself. This stage involves me watching lots of wrestling, reading comic books, and exercising. As an aside, totally wrenched my back Sunday while exercising. Do you see a trend forming? When she’s gone, I hurt myself accidently a lot.

Stage 3- “Insomnia (also known as the “sitting in my underwear playing video games” phase)”
Pretty much what the title and addendum describes. I can’t sleep. I don’t shower. I play video games. And I sometimes wear overalls with no shirt. I have the urge to do productive things but not the energy to actually perform them.

Stage 4- “Paranoia”
Having someone else in the house, when you hear a noise, you can ask “did you hear that?” and “dial 9-1 (waiting to dial the other 1)while I go check it out.” When you are by yourself, however, you have to depend on your own senses. I also depend on dogs barking but they bark at EVERYTHING which makes me more paranoid because I think they’re hearing something I cannot, like a chainsaw murderer. Dogs can hear someone trying to crank a chainsaw.

Stage 5- “Dress up the dogs”
This is where things get a little weird. You’ve seen the dogs with their hats on, right? It’s like that, only a little bit worse. This distracts us both from the looming chainsaw murderer. And if the chainsaw murderer breaks in and sees Yoshi in a nurse’s uniform or Penelope with a ukulele, well how could he hack us up?

Stage 6- “I’m going to do everything!!!!”
This is where I decide to get focused and do everything that doesn’t get done while my wife is home. This includes: writing a play, playing guitar, weed-wacking the drive-way, flossing.

Stage 7- “I’m gonna get drunk!”
Stage 6 quickly dissipates and gives way to stage 7. Sometimes this means I’ll call folks to go get drunk with me and sometimes it means I’ll sit at home, get drunk and call people only to annoy them.

Stage 8- The “oh crap, she’ll be home soon, I gotta get this place cleaned up” phase. This is where I realize she’ll be home in a day or so and clean up all the fast food bags, pizza boxes, discarded socks in front of the couch, and wash the dishes. Sometimes I vacuum even. Also I feed the fish finally.

Stage 9- She's back.

She finally comes back and I take a shower and get a good night’s sleep, for once.

Hayder in 'Beast of Burden'

There was a time when I made happy comics.

Best,

mmyers

Mike said do it so I'm doing it.

1. Take a picture of yourself right now.
2. Don't change your clothes, don't fix your hair...just take a picture.
3. Post that picture with NO editing.
4. Post these instructions with your picture

VERSUS!!!!

Here’s a little column I like to call Versus, where I take two similar things and lock them in MORTALLLL CCOMMMMBBAAATTTT!

There is no mercy in these battles to the finish. To prove this point, I’ll start by pitting two of my favorite things against each other: me versus me. That’s right, it’s my 2004 headshot versus my 2008 headshot and it’s a heads-up battle between good and evil…or good and good 4 years ago. Maybe it’s just a battle of time itself! Yes! A battle ripping the very fabric of time and the fabric of cotton. Permanent press cotton!

The Surface:
Well, on the surface, the differences are obvious. In 2004, we didn’t have color yet. It wasn’t invented. Baseball games were played in super fast motion and fatty Arbuckle was the king of comedy. The days of yester-year. In 2008, Technicolor reigns. Yes, rain is now in Technicolor, as is everything, as am I. Unfortunately, with this addition of ‘color’, I have become gray and aged, taxed to the max by the coloration process. Also, I wear a coat now. The coloring of the Earth has created another Ice Age, and I am forced to wear a jacket now, a red corduroy jacket to be precise.

As far as what has not changed, well I still hold my hands in front of myself, forming a finger cage around my genitals. It protected my privates in 2004 and it still works today. If I’m out on the street looking contemplative, you know I’ll be forming my finger cage.

Who would Win in a fight?:
AGE: 2004 Me
-Well for obvious reasons, I was 4 years younger so of course 2004 Me would have the advantage. There’s no way I’ve become younger in the last 4 years. Sheesh what a stupid question.

STRENGTH: 2008 Me
-Definitely stronger than I was then. I weigh about 20 pounds more now with 10 pounds of it being exercise strength and 10 of it being combo meal #1 at Krystals and Dr Pepper. Oh, in 2004 I was doing a show where I wanted to be smaller so I probably would have been drained.

SKILL: 2008 Me
-I went through a period of wrestling a lot in 2007, so yeah, I’d totally take 2004 Me with a StoneCold Stunner, yo!!

OPTIMISM: 2004 Me
-2004, I was hitting on all cylinders. Things were really taking off. Little did I know that 2008 would be a dandy kick in the balls. 2007 was no bowl of peaches either. But in 2004, I was hitting my stride.

Financial: 2008 Me
-Oh that’s me allright, but that’s because I’m working a lot more. Good grief, I work a lot. But I have a house now. And two more dogs. Now that's living. And my old dog has to eat special food now. You think I could have afforded that special food in 2004? No way, Jose Conseco.

THE RESULT:
If it’s a battle of strength, it’s 2008 Me, but if 2004 Me zeroed in on 2008’s exhausted/fragile mental state, I think he’d win by TKO as 2008 me would start crying from watching Ric Flair’s retirement speech.

IF THEY MET:
Warnings 2008 Me would give 2004 Me:
-You’re going to lose your job in 2007. It’s a shitty job, but you’ll lose it nonetheless so start planning for that so you can go out on your own terms. Of course the severance will be nice but the subsequent panic after the severance will turn your once bouncy and luxurious brown hair thinner and greyer.

-Don’t collide with Logan at wrestling practice. It’ll give you scar tissue over that eye and just plain suck in the middle of you losing your job.

-Don’t expect Deadwood to end in a way that you’ll be happy with. Enjoy the ride but skip the ending.

-P Diddy’s Vote or Die campaign will have absolutely no bearing on the election.


Things 2004 Me would say if he saw 2008 Me:
-Lay off the fast food, huh? That jacket isn’t hiding the fact that you’ve chubbed up, beardy. Bytheway, you’re kind of starting to look like the dad from Family Ties. Is that what you’re ‘going for’?

-Wow, our hair just keeps getting shorter and shorter, huh? I don’t need a fortune teller to see where this is going.

-Do the Star Wars movies ever get any better? ….oh.
A cartoon spin-off?! That sounds awesome!...oh.


See? Pretty brutal.

A small thing

My pal Justin and I are writing a little story (about a guy in space) and I'm a nerd who loves little tidbits so this is a piece of the story I made that has tickled me over the last few days. Enjoy.

I think you can click on it to make it bigger. That's what she said.

Alabama fine dining

Took a little trip this weekend to visit my mom in Florida. If there’s one thing I love about visiting Florida, it’s driving through backwoods Alabama. Alabama convenience stores are a huge draw for me. I don’t know of a state that takes more pride in its gas stations. You can buy denim jean there and boots and assorted hats, along with boiled peanuts and fried chicken. I honestly love stopping off there and it usually adds some time on to my trip but it’s well worth it.

Another thing to love is they always have tester products, stuff that they’re thinking about releasing to the general populace but they want to see how it sells in Alabama (and possibly if someone will die from ingesting it). I also can usually find Cheerwine (if you don’t know this soda, do yourself a favor and go to a convenience store in the middle of nowhere and get one) there and I usually opt for a mystery soda. Peanut butter Chex mix, Almond MnM’s and pickle flavored potato chips all started in Alabama convenience stores. And Alabama gave them a passing grade (like they do with all children who attend school) and now we can have them too. However, worlds collided when I found this little nugget:





Dr. Wham. You know how I feel about the surnamed sodas, right? Well, I saw this little treasure and had to get it. I wanted to know what the next step in the Dr-Mr Pibb-Pepper evolution would be. So I bought it and drank it.

It tasted terrible. It tasted like melted Nerds. You know, the Willy Wonka candy? It was like that in soda form. I don’t expect to see Dr. Wham making a big splash anytime soon. The only positive I can think of for it is that it gave me an excuse to sing Wham songs and George Michael songs, which I’m always looking for an excuse to do. “Careless Whisper” got me to Brewton. “Wake me up before you go-go” to Flomaton. A weird side-effect was wanting to stop off at a rest area and pick up some dude, which is pretty dangerous in Alabama, Dr. Wham or no. But I fought that off with some Bob Seeger. I ‘turned the page’ so to speak.

Final Verdict: If you’re confident in your manhood and don’t need an excuse to sing George Michael, avoid this soda.

You should listen

This makes my heart hurt.

CD Swap

Hey guys and gals,
So, a thought. At one of my old favorite haunts, stripcreator.com, we did a thing called a CD swap, wherein we would make compilation of songs we dug and trade them with folks who you may or may not know. Then we'd all mail the disks to each other. Then you'd get some new CDs in the mail, and getting mail is fun no mater what anyone says and new tunes are even more fun.

So I've got mates from a couple different spots in the world, although I think most friends who read this are Georgians, so what does everyone think of a CD swap? You'd have to burn a couple copies of your disk, or heck, send it to me and I'd burn off a couple copies and send them out. It's a great way to be exposed to some new tunes and it's fun to see what people are digging on. If the group got too big, which I doubt it would but if it did, we could divide into groups so you're not burning 10 copies of your CD. Groups of 4 was how the stripcreator did it. I dunno, mull it over.

If it's something that sounds fun, shoot me an email over at matt@mr-pixel.com.