Using my propensity to over-commit myself, I’ve been busy as crap the last few weeks. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t been learning lessons, so this is what I’ve learned over the last few weeks:
-There is no good way to tell other men in the men’s room that they need to get their pro
state checked, but fellas, some of you need to. There’s some sad sounding urination going on out there. It doesn’t sound at all fulfilling. My faucet drips more liquid when I’m trying to keep the pipes from freezing. Fellas, you gotta get the finger.
-I’m rehearsing a show where I have a cockney accent. This show is so immersed in my thoughts right now that, at times, I’ve found myself thinking in a cockney accent in my day-to-day life. I’m hoping that once the show opens, my cockney will go flaccid. That’s right. Puns.
- I’ve been taking a bunch of lame personality tests for a management class I’m doing at work. It’s filling up the time as I merge with my desk chair. One thing it has taught me is that I’m a Rational, personality type-wise. I won’t go into all of what that means as it’s only barely interesting to me and I imagine would be even more uninteresting to you. However, the teacher said that Rationals and Idealists make the best mates. Again, so immersed in the cockney show am I that my brain immediately thought of ‘mates’ as the word for ‘friend’. And anyway, who would ever call their significant other their ‘mate’? It sounds so clinical. Animals ‘mate’. The salt shaker’s ‘mate’ is the pepper shaker. Anyway, thinking of human’s being mated or mating makes me think that this class may be being taught by aliens.
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I enjoyed a Souper Meal. That’s right. A Souper Meal. A Souper Meal consists of: Ramen Noodles in a big bucket. That’s about it. I was a little disappointed that something with such an awesome name could be so awesomely disappointing. Where was this Improved Flavor the cup bragged about? Were the mushrooms part of the 'vegetable medley' or merely a serving suggestion.
-There is no good way to tell other men in the men’s room that they need to get their pro
state checked, but fellas, some of you need to. There’s some sad sounding urination going on out there. It doesn’t sound at all fulfilling. My faucet drips more liquid when I’m trying to keep the pipes from freezing. Fellas, you gotta get the finger.-I’m rehearsing a show where I have a cockney accent. This show is so immersed in my thoughts right now that, at times, I’ve found myself thinking in a cockney accent in my day-to-day life. I’m hoping that once the show opens, my cockney will go flaccid. That’s right. Puns.
- I’ve been taking a bunch of lame personality tests for a management class I’m doing at work. It’s filling up the time as I merge with my desk chair. One thing it has taught me is that I’m a Rational, personality type-wise. I won’t go into all of what that means as it’s only barely interesting to me and I imagine would be even more uninteresting to you. However, the teacher said that Rationals and Idealists make the best mates. Again, so immersed in the cockney show am I that my brain immediately thought of ‘mates’ as the word for ‘friend’. And anyway, who would ever call their significant other their ‘mate’? It sounds so clinical. Animals ‘mate’. The salt shaker’s ‘mate’ is the pepper shaker. Anyway, thinking of human’s being mated or mating makes me think that this class may be being taught by aliens.
-
I enjoyed a Souper Meal. That’s right. A Souper Meal. A Souper Meal consists of: Ramen Noodles in a big bucket. That’s about it. I was a little disappointed that something with such an awesome name could be so awesomely disappointing. Where was this Improved Flavor the cup bragged about? Were the mushrooms part of the 'vegetable medley' or merely a serving suggestion.My mouth was set for a boring old meal until I saw this little baby: The Finishing Touch Flavor Enhancer. Now this little packet of magic has very specific instructions (not unlike the Gremlins did): do NOT apply the Flavor En
hancer until you are ready to eat the meal. After all, it is the Finishing Touch.
I made my noodles. They smelled allright. They were warm. But then I applied the Finishing Touch Flavor Enhancer. Well, let me just say that I was invited into a world of flavor unlike any I’ve ever tasted or seen (that’s right, the flavor was so intense and vivid, I could actually see it floating in the air). Well, I was too curious. What was the secret of this little Flavor Packet? And I did the unthinkable. I saved some. Yep, I practiced restraint.
Yes, I didn’t use the entire Finishing Touch Flavor Packet. I got on my bicycle and rode around with it, sprinkling it in all around. I sprinkled some on Mickey Rourke's career. Check it out. He was back! I sprinkled some on the economy. Poof! Gas prices went down! I sprinkled some on Prop 8 and conservatives admitted that gay people may be humans and have human emotions and feelings (hey, Finishing Flavor Enhancer can only do so much). Well I was sold. This magic dust was a miracle wrapped in love, coated in joy, drenched in sodium.
Well, I was too curious. It was Pandora’s Box, and like Pandora’s Box I had to open it, and like Pandora’s Box I had to take it to one of those clinics where they’ll test anything (usually paternity results) and find out what was in it. I should clarify that Pandora was a stripper I used to hang out with back in the day. That probably will make the Pandora’s Box analogy make a bit more sense. Wait, there was a myth about another Pandora’s Box? I wonder if Pandora the stripper had ever heard of that? Well, they were both filled with evil.
Anywho, they tested the Finishing Touch Flavor Enhancer. I eagerly awaited the results. What could make this ordinary bowl of Ramen into a MEAL? Moreso, a SOUPER MEAL? What could give flavor to the flavorless? What could save the world from itself?
Let the truth be told. The little packet of Finishing Touch Flavor Enhancer is actually filled with…stem cells. What else could it have been? Well, they’re not only making great strides in medical research, they’re also delicious on Ramen. Thank you, Stems.
hancer until you are ready to eat the meal. After all, it is the Finishing Touch.I made my noodles. They smelled allright. They were warm. But then I applied the Finishing Touch Flavor Enhancer. Well, let me just say that I was invited into a world of flavor unlike any I’ve ever tasted or seen (that’s right, the flavor was so intense and vivid, I could actually see it floating in the air). Well, I was too curious. What was the secret of this little Flavor Packet? And I did the unthinkable. I saved some. Yep, I practiced restraint.
Yes, I didn’t use the entire Finishing Touch Flavor Packet. I got on my bicycle and rode around with it, sprinkling it in all around. I sprinkled some on Mickey Rourke's career. Check it out. He was back! I sprinkled some on the economy. Poof! Gas prices went down! I sprinkled some on Prop 8 and conservatives admitted that gay people may be humans and have human emotions and feelings (hey, Finishing Flavor Enhancer can only do so much). Well I was sold. This magic dust was a miracle wrapped in love, coated in joy, drenched in sodium.
Well, I was too curious. It was Pandora’s Box, and like Pandora’s Box I had to open it, and like Pandora’s Box I had to take it to one of those clinics where they’ll test anything (usually paternity results) and find out what was in it. I should clarify that Pandora was a stripper I used to hang out with back in the day. That probably will make the Pandora’s Box analogy make a bit more sense. Wait, there was a myth about another Pandora’s Box? I wonder if Pandora the stripper had ever heard of that? Well, they were both filled with evil.
Anywho, they tested the Finishing Touch Flavor Enhancer. I eagerly awaited the results. What could make this ordinary bowl of Ramen into a MEAL? Moreso, a SOUPER MEAL? What could give flavor to the flavorless? What could save the world from itself?
Let the truth be told. The little packet of Finishing Touch Flavor Enhancer is actually filled with…stem cells. What else could it have been? Well, they’re not only making great strides in medical research, they’re also delicious on Ramen. Thank you, Stems.
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