The VagBlasta

I hate the holidays, well except for Thanksgiving. Still, I can’t fight the feeling of getting a little nostalgic and thinking about the important people in my life. And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention a person who has quickly become very important to me: the vagblasta.

See, I play online poker frequently. No, not because I’m overweight or a shut-in or because I have delusions of being in the World Series of Poker one day. I play it because it’s fun for me and because of…the vagblasta.

The great thing about the internet super highway, besides the wealth of older men masquerading as cute young girls, is the anonymity. Sweet, sweet anonymity. It allows people to adopt personas they would never have in real life. Don’t believe me? Go check the comment sections on youtube. You’d never have to suffer through such rascist, retard spewing drivel in real life because these people would be quietly mumbling to themselves in line at Circle K waiting to get their Mountain Dew and Barely Beaver mags. But oh, the internet. See, in real life, I’m a fairly outgoing, friendly guy with friends and acquaintances, and we chat about weather and work and love. But get me on the internet and I’m completely silent and angry. Not a peep. I drink a beer and sit quietly and fume, completely unlike real life. Sweet freedom. Now I can quietly leer at people and mumble to myself about them. And I have a name, too: Srgt O’Brian.

This leads me to: the vagblasta. The vagblasta plays poker too. Well, when he isn’t blasting that vag. Boy, he’ll put a hurting on some vag day and night if you let him. Blasting that vag like it owes him money. He’s all about it, and playing online poker. Now you may think that this person wronged me in some way, made me angry in my alter ego of Srgt O’Brian. Actually, quite the opposite. He intrigued me with his name and that was it. But, using my Srgt O’Brian personae, I didn’t engage him as I would have done in real life. Instead I watched.

The Vag Blasta (and I’m hoping he pronounces it ‘vadj’ with that mysterious ‘d’ that people often put into the word ‘vagina’) played some decent poker. Immediately upon seeing I was at a table with him (or maybe ‘her’, I suppose), I said aloud to my wife, “Anyone with the name the Vagblasta has neither had ‘vag’ nor ‘blasted’ it.” But then I thought about him some more. What if he was a VagBlasta? A ball of human sexuality, perched behind a computer monitor? What if this guy was like the Ark of the Covenant in Indiana Jones and if you opened him up, he’d glow and all these souls with blasted vags would come pouring out and I’d be yelling, “Close your eyes, Marion!” and that dude’s face would melt and I’d have nightmares?

He was playing decent poker, man. So that means maybe he wasn’t a complete liar. But then there’d be long breaks where he wouldn’t be playing. What was he doing in there? Oh you know. Blasting. Blasting vag. Or maybe he was drinking protein shakes. Good grief, how does he have any energy left??? He’s got to power up. Come on, he’s only human. A human vag destroyer. A veritable Road Runner of Wile E. Coyote Vag. A George W Bush, shocking and awing the vag. A fully-operational Death Star with all its weapons pointed at Alderan, a peaceful vag planet. They have no weapons!! Sorry Princess, but you better throw on that slave girl bikini because that vag is getting destroyed.

See, this is what vagblasta does to me. Not only does he inspire me to destructively make silly metaphors and similes, he inspires me to examine my own life. And it makes me realize that I’ve had the wrong personae all along. While I’ve been lurking and sulking and playing cards, this guy has been out living life, working hard, playing hard. And blasting that vag like every vag was the last vag. Makes you think.

So in the New Year, maybe it wouldn’t hurt us, all of us, to maybe have a little vagblasta in us. I’m not saying you should go around blasting every vag you see. Come on, go easy. Pace yourself. And maybe the love you make may be equal to the love you take.

And the vag.