VERSUS! Kissing Drunks or Smokers

We return for another spine-tingling edition of VERSUS!

Today we match up two types of people in head to head MORTAAAALLLL COMBAAATTT. Actually, to be more specific, we match up two types of people in a particular situation, and that is:

Kissing a Smoker versus kissing Someone who’s Drunk.









Having been kissed by both types of people (both male and female) in my lifetime and having kissed people while being drunk and after having smoked, I am an expert. So here goes.

-THE SURFACE-
THE SMOKER-
There are a few types of smokers. There’s the Social Smoker. The Social Smoker only smokes in social situations, which means they are constantly bumming cigarettes off actual smokers because they constantly find themselves in social situations.

Then there’s the Steady Smoker. The only real difference between the Steady Smoker and the Social Smoker is the Steady admits they smoke semi-regularly and buys their own cigs. Steady Smokers are your “I smoke when I drink” and “I smoke during a good conversation” and “I smoke on my smoke break” smokers.

Lastly, there’s the Human Chimney. And the Human Chimney is always smoking or thinking of a way to smoke. These guys will smoke half a cigarette walking from their car into work and smoke the rest later. They’re dedicated to finding the time to smoke.

THE DRUNK-
There are also a few types of drunks, particularly those who will try to smooch you up. There’s the Light Weight. The Light Weight is buzzed off wine coolers or a Mojito and is usually pretty lovey because they don’t drink very often. These people are looking for an excuse to work outside the box (their normal comfort zone) and if there’s a person they’re wanting to smooch up or saying something personal to, they’ll drink just enough to sneak that thought passed mental security and entrap you with their innermost thoughts.

The Social Drinker. Like the Social Smoker, this person only drinks around others and also like the Smoker, they are always looking for an excuse to be around others. This person is also likely to lay a smooch on you because, you know, they’re celebrating something. I dunno, whatever the group is celebrating.

Lastly, there’s the Shit-faced drunk and this category is divided into two sub-categories. There’s the Happy Shit-Faced person and the Unhappy Shit-faced person. Happy Shit-Face loves you, has always loved you, and would like to express this opinion with a kiss on the cheek or hand and before the night is through will attempt to work their way to your mouth. Unhappy Shit-Face is upset about something (a break up, a loss of job, etc) and will also go for the smooch in a more pathetic, “My mouth aim is off but I’m trying to touch our mouths together” kind of way. This person needs some love at that moment and, should they remember their pathetic attempts to get kissed the next day, will hide from you in shame for a period.

-WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT-
Well, they aren’t really fighting. To clear up the argument though, drunks never win fights. Never. Not even against other drunks. It’s a stalemate.

But head to head, as far as smooching one of them, it goes like this.

TASTE-
Smokers taste like smoke. It’s that simple. I know they try to chew gum and eat Altoids but it doesn’t stop the fact that they taste like smoke. Meat eaters taste like meat. Drunks taste like sweet, sweet alcohol. If someone has a habit that you don’t do and your nose/taste buds aren’t adjusted to, you can tell it. Of the two of them, smokers taste the worst, especially if you’re engaging in some major tonsil hockey. A closed mouth smoker can keep some of the guys on the bench but when they open their mouth it’s a smoky slobber knocker. Alcohol breath isn’t the best of breath but generally it’s sweet.
EDGE: Drunks.

TECHNIQUE-
Drunks of varying degrees have lost motor skills. It’s a fact, no matter what you think. The Shit-Faced drunk is barely aware of what their hands are doing, much less their face. This can lead to having your nose licked or their tongue accidently being stuck in your nostrils. And drunks think most anything involving their face feels good. That’s why they blow bubbles with their mouth and vibrate their lips. Why? Because it feels good. It feels good if you’re drunk, but this lapse in judgment is what leads to people having their lips helicoptered by someone’s tongue. Smokers have their motor skills and they’re still in control of their sanity.
EDGE: Smoker.

KISS SIGNIFICANCE-
No smoker ever woke up and was like, ‘Oh my God, I smoked so many cigarettes last night, what did I do?’ Nobody has ever tried to make out with their best friend from smoking Marlboros. Nobody has had a gay experience from a Virginia Slim (although, if you’re smoking Virginia Slims, you probably are gay and no amount of cigarettes or alcohol will change that fact). However, most “I can’t believe I did that” moments have alcohol in the equation somewhere. Kissing a drunk may mean nothing or it may mean everything to the drunk person. Maybe it’s because you were available or maybe it’s because they’ve always loved you and always will. However, smokers are pretty serious folk. They KNOW their breath smells terrible and that the chance for rejection is higher, but they’ll risk it and not have any excuse afterwards. They’re jumping out of the airplane and there may be a hole in their ‘shute. A smoker kisses like they mean it.
EDGE: Smoker

Conclusion:
It’s probably better overall to kiss a smoker. Who would you rather ride home with? A smoker. They’re only killing you gradually instead of one big blaze of glory like a drunk. Who takes ‘no’ for an answer? Probably the smoker. Unless he or she is a date rapist. But that’s not cigarette’s fault. They were fucked up before they ever puffed. Kiss a smoker, hug a drunk, don’t ride home with a weird-o. Rules to live by.

THE HYBRID
Oh the smoking drunk. To be honest, smoking and drinking go hand-in-hand. A few drinks turns the Social Smoker into a Human Chimney pretty quickly. And with this Hybrid, they usually have imbibed enough to where they don’t care how their breath smells. Very rarely will you find a smoker in a social situation (bar) who hasn’t got a drink. This person is dangerous. I repeat: DANGEROUS. To themselves and others. A drunk-smoker is usually very confident in themselves and their opinions, absorbing the coolness from having a cigarette in their hand and the lack of social filters from the alcohol. If they want a smooch, they’re going for it and if it doesn’t go according to plan, they’ll probably follow it up with “What’s your problem?” if they’re an angry drunk or uncontrollable sobbing if they’re an unhappy drunk. If someone is getting dragged away from the bar, they’re probably a Hybrid.

(PS Much obliged to my lovely models Eve and Will and Elizabeth for lending me their likenesses. If any of them ever try to kiss you, do me a favor and let them.)