Gym Ghouls

I think the gym is haunted.

Or maybe the same dude exists at every gym. I’ve had a gym membership of some sort since 1999. I know, I know, you say, ‘Matt shouldn’t you be in killer shape by now?’ Well, I’m on a little plan called the beer/pizza/exercise plan. I eat trash. Lots of fast food. And I drink. A lot. But I also exercise. So the fact that I’m not a gentle, tubby giant is pretty amazing. It all balances out. I’m breaking even.

However, in 2007, I left my gym of choice of 8 or so years, Lower Alabama Fitness. You know the one. While I was there, though, there was a dude who was ALWAYS there no matter what time of day. Tall guy, heavy set, very cheerful. Didn’t look like he really exercised that much, but he did work the gym. I mean he’d walk around and talk to ALL the fine ladies. He was loud so I always heard what he said. Then he’d adjourn to the locker room and talk to all the dudes. And he always discussed his exercise plans and how much weight he’d lost. Apparently he was doing some hellified routine but I never really saw him lift a weight or touch a machine. He seemed like an OK guy but I generally avoided him. He’s what I like to call a Psyche-Vampire. Very taxing to talk to and generally it’s just tedious conversation. I’d end up talking to him sometimes (he’s a MASTER at starting conversations that you feel like you HAVE to respond) in the dressing room. Usually it’d be something about what was on ESPN at that moment and I’d say, “Yep” or “I hear that.”

But then I left that gym. Bought a home gym. No more dude at the gym striking up tedious conversations, right?

No. Because my new company has a gym you can go to for free. Nothing special, but good enough to keep you busy. I go on my lunch breaks. And he’s there. Or someone who looks EXACTLY like him. And acts like him. Dammit, it’s him, I’m positive of it. Same M.O. Same loud talking to himself (‘Let’s see, what are we going to do today? Hmmm…maybe some cardio’, etc). Same radar for hot ladies, too.

I attempted to ignore him when I first spotted him. I put my face firmly in my magazine while I did the elliptical. And he sat up shop right in front of me. He put up those aerobic step things and started running up and down them. I couldn’t escape him. No matter how fast I ellipticaled, he was right there. I was trapped. So I ignored him. And then he fell. The little step bits completely slid out from under him and he busted ass, falling Charlie Brown missing the football style. So with only myself and a woman and him in there, I was forced to speak.

“Are you OK?” said I. The girl (who was pretty but not fall off your elliptical pretty) chuckled and that was all he needed. He was fine but he launched into a talking spree. A veritable supermarket sweep of unimportant stuff he felt like talking about. All directed at the girl. And when I left, he was giving her the full business, following her to her car chat-chat-chatting away.

So are all gyms haunted by this guy? Or perhaps spirits like him? Soul-sucking energy ghouls who ramble through conversation after conversation. I’m worried that, now that I have a home gym, he’s just going to start showing up in my office, asking to work in.