Too Fast for Love (The Fasting part 2)

September 5th 9:05 am- Am starting to add up how long until I get to go back to sleep. In sleep, no one can hear you scream. Or your stomach grumble. In sleep I forget I'm hungry.

10:36 am- Beginning to think that I could reenact that scene from The Fly with all of the stomach acid that is building up in my system. Grapefruit acid+lemon acid+orange acid= a mutant power for me. Is there a hero who spit acid? Hunter S. Thompson?

11:12 am- Have to keep reminding myself that I’m not drunk. Seriously. It feels like being drunk and I’m carrying this bottle of weird tasting stuff around. Keep thinking I’m giving folks the ‘alcohol-breath’ and covering my mouth when I talk to them.

12:00 pm- Time has lost all meaning. I blink my eyes, it’s 9 o’clock, then again and it’s 1:30. I am a time traveler. A hungry, hungry time traveler. I should go back to the day they invented corn dogs. Note to self: Google that. And to the guy who invented grape fruit juice and spit acid on him.

11:45 am- Went back in time 15 minutes and tried to tell myself to Google who invented. Had problems communicating with myself because we both covered our mouths thinking our breath smelled like alcohol. Gave up and went back to the present.

2:07 pm- Went back to the gym. Much more tired today. The line of what I’m trying to prove is getting blurry, along with most other lines.

3:42 pm- Things are much more ridiculously funny when you’re loopy from hunger. It’s a wonder that all those people in starving countries aren’t laughing themselves silly all the time. This conversation just occurred a few rows over and I’ve been trying to stifle laughter for minutes upon minutes.
Boss: Hey Adrian... Adrian: Yes? Boss: (giggle) "Yo Adrian!" (pause) You probably get that alot with a name like Adrian. (long pause) Adrian: It was a good movie.

3:45 pm- Supposed to read folks for the show tonight. If my attitude persists, I shall be very difficult to read with tonight. Maybe actors aren’t divas. Maybe they’re just fasting. Starving artists!! It all makes sense.

4:40 pm- The big mistake seems to be talking about food instead of reveling in the euphoria that starving causes. My coworker just brought by MnMs for me to smell. She was getting me back for drawing on her cream of wheat box. I drew a little talking bubble coming from the chef’s mouth that says, ‘This stuff tastes terrible but Nikki likes it anyway.’ I suppose I deserve an ‘MnM-by’ (which is like a drive-by except they’re walking and instead of a hail of bullets it’s the smell of MnMs).

6:15 pm- Went to read possible future candidates for the next show (Mojo). Started off by letting possible co-workers now I was hungry and they’d get nothing from me. Flat, lifeless readings all the way. Called my friend Brent “Brett” multiple times.

7:35 pm- Like the hot-button debate “When does life begin?” we engaged in a hot debate about “When does the fast end?” The wife thought the fast began at 10:00 two nights prior when we took our last bites and ended at 10:00 as well. I thought it began when we had digested our food in the night and began to be hungry. That would tack another 6-7 hours onto the fast. I went and played video games to take my mind off of food.

9:00 pm- Decided the fast would end at 10:00. Got dressed and went to get sushi.

10:00 pm- Everything smelled so potent. Best ginger salad I’ve ever had. Best Miso I’ve ever slurped. Best FutoMaki I’ve ever soaked in wasabi and soy and ate. Best napkin I’ve ever wiped my mouth with.


September 8th 8:30 am- Now that it’s over it’s nice to be able to watch commercials again. Dang a lot of fast food commercials come on when you’re hungry. I dropped 4 pounds pretty quickly but I imagine I have them all back now that I’m enjoying this fine toaster pastry. Still it’s good to remind yourself how good you have it now and again and it’s good to let your body rest and process all the caked on crap that hangs out in there because we’re too busy to pass that junk.

Time goes by so very slow while you are fasting

Well, I’m fasting. I won’t get into the logistics of it but I’ve done a couple fasts over the last few years. Anyway, this time, I’ve decided to keep a little diary about it. I know it will get weird before it gets normal.

September 3 10:00 PM- Had last bite of baked ziti and finished off a tasty beverage to bid myself bon voyage to food for a few days.

September 4th 7:00 AM- Woke up earlier than normal. Also woke up hungry which is weird because I’m usually not hungry until I’ve been awake a few hours. Doesn’t bode well.

8:00 AM- Begin drinking the bile-like solution that will sustain me the next few days. Think my stomach is beginning to sense something is amiss.

10:45 AM- OK, my stomach is not pleased and is now aware that food isn’t coming. Stomach growling beginning to make some sort of weird sense. Excel spreadsheets, however, are starting to make less sense.

11:00 AM- It’s really amazing how I live from one meal to the next. One ends and I immediately begin planning the next one. It would be great if I could utilize the time I’m saving by not eating but I think I’m going to be losing energy and coherency soon.

11:16 AM- Getting a headache. Is aspirin considered food?

11:44 AM- Reviewing the account of a girl named Krystal. Why did her name have to be Krystal and why oh why is it spelled like the hamburger?

12:15 PM- Normally I’d be taking my vitamin right now. Are vitamins considered food?

12:45 pm- Someone got McDonald's. Considered having sex with sandwich while they were away from their desk but am afraid to lose any more bodily fluids. Oddly in this case, eating WOULD be cheating but having sex with the sandwich would not be, disproving the old adage, “Eating is not cheating."

1:15 pm- Ridiculous idea to go and exercise on my break to keep my mind off food. Handles of the elliptical look vaguely like chicken legs.

3:00 pm- Coughed up hastily scribbled letter. Presumably written by my stomach. Stomach is threatening other organs if food isn’t forthcoming. Mentions how he never really liked the gallbladder.

3:55 pm- Beginning to ask myself ridiculous questions like, “Is Food considered food?”

4:15 pm- Someone popped popcorn. Creamy beige. Think my olfactory senses are shutting down for self-preservation.

6:00 pm- The misses, who is also fasting (except with carrot juice instead of the bile-esque concoction I’m drinking), and I have an argument about who is having the easier fast. I feel she has the edge on easiness because her carrot juice have bits in them. Bits of carrot but bits nonetheless. She thinks mine is easier because I’m at work where there isn’t as much food.

8:30 pm- We both begin to realize how much the other looks like food. Hers is much less ominous as I look like tofu-steaks and veggie patties. Mine is more scary as she looks like a rack of ribs, a slice of pizza, and oddly a Campbell’s soup can.

10:15 pm- Watching politicians talk frightens what’s left of my appetite away and I figure I should run to bed while I’m not hungry.

11:00 pm- Watch a documentary on Sgt Slaughter. Why does he look so much like a pickle?

September 5th 7:30 am- Toothpaste has never tasted so delicious.

7:45 am- Locked myself out of the house.

8:10 am- Hit my head on refrigerator putting my juices in.
This is day 2. I’ll keep you posted.