While watching the Olympics last night a few things occurred to me. I should state upfront that I don’t care about the Olympics. I know I should, or I guess I should because people say I should, but when I hear touching stories like the little Chinese gymnast who was taken from her family at age 5 to be part of the program and she only sees them once a year and she cried and begged to come home and they said no because she was their ticket out of poverty, well that pretty much summed it up for me. It’s a lot like dog racing except with humans as the dogs. Still, I can sit back and entertain myself with it (my wife loves it so I watch and comment in a positive way). So here’s my thoughts.
-That Phelps dude wins his 10th Gold medal. That’s crazy. More than anyone else. Even my man Carl Lewis. So he wins and then they go to commercial. And it’s a Visa commercial. And Visa congratulates him on his 10th medal. OK, a little odd, but I’m sure they saw it coming. But it’s Morgan Freeman doing the voice. OK, so Morgan Freeman was in a bad accident a week or two ago. Now, I’m 99% positive that they didn’t bug Mister Freeman at the hospital or at home as he was rehabbing to record “Congratulations Michael” in a commercial which means that Visa had the forethought quite some time ago to see that Phelps might, just might, win 10 medals. It takes a little while to make a commercial.
This led me to wonder what else Visa had in the can for Morgan Freeman to say. So that’s what I did the next 10 minutes or so, walked around the house using my Morgan Freeman voice and thinking of ridiculous things that they could be ready to happen so he could say it. Fortunately my wife is tolerant and able to block me out so her Olympic experience was unaffected. “Michael Phelps, congratulations on beating that team of terrorists that were trying to blow up the Olympics with that awesome kick-off the wall you do.” “Visa sadly acknowledges that Michael Phelps was beaten brutally after a team of seal hunters mistook him for a seal. Visa’s thought are with you.” Somewhere, deep in the bowls of Visa is a vault of unused audio goodness. We must find it.
-Watching the women’s gymnasts, I suddenly felt very sad for them. No, not because they have dedicated every waking moment of their lives to a split second that involves them losing because they stepped slightly over a tiny white line. Not because they are going to be completely at a loss when their Olympic careers are over and they have to interact with people who are neither dedicated to one single goal nor really watch the Olympics. No, I pity them because they’ve probably never had a Frito with French onion dip on it. I of course thought this while I ate a Frito with French onion dip on it. And who knows, maybe one day they will eat one and realize that they could have been eating them all along instead of sleeping, eating, smoking cigarettes, and doing gymnastics every waking hour of their youth. Maybe it’s like sour-grapes and I envy them and am a hater. Or maybe it’s like lazy-grapes because I’m a lazy and that looks hard. Or maybe it’s Frito-grapes because Fritos are good.
-Volleyball. Really? Olympic volleyball? Well, one thing I can say is that those guys will be playing that game forever. Unlike the other sports where there is only a small window to perform your sport at the highest level, you can sit on a beach and play volleyball and drink beer for the duration of your life. I’m from Florida. Believe me, there are guys who are the leather bound edition of themselves who have been hanging on the beach playing volleyball and wake boarding since the 70s. This is a sport with longevity. Is volleyball fun? Yes. Is it Olympic? Um…well, let’s see. Is Ethiopia likely to have a team? Or Latvia? Probably not.
-Speaking of Latvia, what about Latveria? You know, the mythical place that Doctor Doom
rules? Can you imagine a bunch of Doom-bots taking the field??? Yes! Of course you know that people would boycott the Olympics in Latveria. Why, because his name is Doctor Doom and he’s a tyrant??? If China can have super-children bouncing and flipping around then Doom can have Doom-bots out there. Pfff, Paul Hamm, you ain’t shit till you beat a Doom-bot and yell, “It’s clobberin’ time.” There, I said it.
-That Phelps dude wins his 10th Gold medal. That’s crazy. More than anyone else. Even my man Carl Lewis. So he wins and then they go to commercial. And it’s a Visa commercial. And Visa congratulates him on his 10th medal. OK, a little odd, but I’m sure they saw it coming. But it’s Morgan Freeman doing the voice. OK, so Morgan Freeman was in a bad accident a week or two ago. Now, I’m 99% positive that they didn’t bug Mister Freeman at the hospital or at home as he was rehabbing to record “Congratulations Michael” in a commercial which means that Visa had the forethought quite some time ago to see that Phelps might, just might, win 10 medals. It takes a little while to make a commercial.
This led me to wonder what else Visa had in the can for Morgan Freeman to say. So that’s what I did the next 10 minutes or so, walked around the house using my Morgan Freeman voice and thinking of ridiculous things that they could be ready to happen so he could say it. Fortunately my wife is tolerant and able to block me out so her Olympic experience was unaffected. “Michael Phelps, congratulations on beating that team of terrorists that were trying to blow up the Olympics with that awesome kick-off the wall you do.” “Visa sadly acknowledges that Michael Phelps was beaten brutally after a team of seal hunters mistook him for a seal. Visa’s thought are with you.” Somewhere, deep in the bowls of Visa is a vault of unused audio goodness. We must find it.
-Watching the women’s gymnasts, I suddenly felt very sad for them. No, not because they have dedicated every waking moment of their lives to a split second that involves them losing because they stepped slightly over a tiny white line. Not because they are going to be completely at a loss when their Olympic careers are over and they have to interact with people who are neither dedicated to one single goal nor really watch the Olympics. No, I pity them because they’ve probably never had a Frito with French onion dip on it. I of course thought this while I ate a Frito with French onion dip on it. And who knows, maybe one day they will eat one and realize that they could have been eating them all along instead of sleeping, eating, smoking cigarettes, and doing gymnastics every waking hour of their youth. Maybe it’s like sour-grapes and I envy them and am a hater. Or maybe it’s like lazy-grapes because I’m a lazy and that looks hard. Or maybe it’s Frito-grapes because Fritos are good.
-Volleyball. Really? Olympic volleyball? Well, one thing I can say is that those guys will be playing that game forever. Unlike the other sports where there is only a small window to perform your sport at the highest level, you can sit on a beach and play volleyball and drink beer for the duration of your life. I’m from Florida. Believe me, there are guys who are the leather bound edition of themselves who have been hanging on the beach playing volleyball and wake boarding since the 70s. This is a sport with longevity. Is volleyball fun? Yes. Is it Olympic? Um…well, let’s see. Is Ethiopia likely to have a team? Or Latvia? Probably not.
-Speaking of Latvia, what about Latveria? You know, the mythical place that Doctor Doom
rules? Can you imagine a bunch of Doom-bots taking the field??? Yes! Of course you know that people would boycott the Olympics in Latveria. Why, because his name is Doctor Doom and he’s a tyrant??? If China can have super-children bouncing and flipping around then Doom can have Doom-bots out there. Pfff, Paul Hamm, you ain’t shit till you beat a Doom-bot and yell, “It’s clobberin’ time.” There, I said it.-Also, why isn’t gym-kata in the Olympics yet?
2 comments:
alternate visa commercials starring morgan freeman:
"mark phelps, visa is saddened that you have failed miserably to win a tenth gold medal. you are a disappointment to america, god, and the water that you swim in. unlike visa...which is everywhere you want to be."
What's the over/under for how long after the Olympics it'll be before there's a Mission: Impossible-themed series of commercials with Mark Phelps? "Your mission, Mr. Phelps, should you choose to accept it..."
After we start our band, we have to open an advertising agency.
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